Sparking the chemistry

By JULIE MIDDLETON

Auckland psychologist and regular Career commentator, Iain McCormick, says that "intense but platonic relationships can be real possibilities at work.

"People need to realise that there can be a range of relationships, and that intimacy does not have to end in sexual contact.

"We have either work relationships or lovers, but we have no real model for productive close work relationships between males and females".

He agrees "totally" with the new way of looking at male-female work relationships outlined in the book More than Friends, Less Than Lovers: Managing Sexual Attraction in Working Relationships by David R. Eyler and Andrea P. Baridon.

The writers, long-time business partners, offer in-depth tips on how to make such relationships work, the premise being that you can maintain the excitement of a special relationship without violating your personal integrity.

If the boundaries are clear, they say, you can relax, work well together and hopefully become professional superstars.

Eyler and Baridon describe three phases - discovery, establishment and consolidation - to describe the path of close, work-sparked relationships between men and women that don't lead to the bedroom.

Here's a conversation from the book between two colleagues who were moving towards such a union:

Sophy: "You're very good at what you do."

William: "Thanks. I can honestly return the compliment."

Sophy: "It's fun watching things turn out right and the two of us having fun in the process."

William: "Yeah. It helps to like the person you have to work with, too."

Sophy: "Especially when you keep the hours we do."

Williams: "I have to admit that work is more pleasant with you."

And there's a platform to advance the conversation.

However a successful more-than-friends, less-than-lovers relationship requires ground rules, say Eyler and Baridon.

* Set boundaries. Acknowledge sexual chemistry but make it explicit - there will be no romantic involvement. That also means that you don't use the language of lovers or make physical contact - and also that you draw lines for monitoring your own thoughts and actions.

Openly discuss what is and isn't off-limits on issues, say, of personal privacy.

Here's another conversation from the book which describes the sort of language that keeps things in line:

Mike: "When we're in a situation like this, it can be so difficult. Making love seems to be the natural thing to do sometimes. I know better, but the thought just doesn't go away easily."

Megan: "Well, you'd better get used to it."

Mike: "You're really sure about this, aren't you?"

Megan: "You bet I am. I learned to separate what I might want from what I do a long time ago, and it's time you did the same."

* Consciously manage your relationship. It should become a series of directed work-related events, not random encounters that might get physical.

* Monitor each other. You'll need to adjust your behaviour from time to time.

* Communicate openly. Don't hide the relationship from your lover, spouse, or managers. Then again, don't make a big deal out of it - that will make people wonder whether it really is an hands-off relationship. The motto is discreet, not secret. Behave professionally and respond honestly to requests for elaboration.

* Take breaks from each other. Work together on good days, when you feel you can appreciate each other. You aren't obligated to be there for each other all the time - that's what spouses are for.

Psychologist McCormick adds a few pointers:

* Discuss what's happening with a mature sensible friend to check you are being realistic.

* Check that you talk comfortably and openly to your spouse about the relationship. If you can't, you might be kidding yourself about your feelings for this person and "you should probably back off".

But be aware of the warning signs that boundaries might be overstepped, say Eyler and Baridon. They may be:

* Unbalanced attraction: One partner shows signs of wanting more from the relationship than has been agreed.

* Exploitation of the employer: Personal pleasure dictates business arrangements instead of vice-versa.

* Family and workplace neglect: Self-explanatory.

* Poor initial judgement: If one of a pair sees something that is not what was hoped for, it's time to cite the problem and exit the relationship. These might be lack of respect for a spouse, or an inability to be discreet at the office.



In the feature on C11, Eyler and Baridon explain what they see as the benefits of such relationships to companies. But what advice can they give to individual managers?

* Accept the premise, they say, that a man and woman working together can develop an intimate relationship based on sexual attraction and common interests and manage things professionally to keep it from becoming a love affair.

* Try to understand that such relationships can exist in your workforce and try not to disrupt them.

* Realise that the man and woman will probably more productive if allowed to enjoy their relationship comfortably and to direct energy into their work without undue scrutiny.

* Approach each management decision on the basis of competency and not gender, thus freeing up the most potent mixes of talent at your disposal.

* Avoid the temptation to be mother hen to your staff and protect them from themselves.

* Apply a bit of Zen to your management style. See yourself as part of a movement that is revolutionising the way men and women relate in the workplace, so focus on the possibilities rather than the problems. Seek to guide rather than control workplace relationships.