Smiles mask mother's despair

Heart-wrenching eulogies were read at Kim and Dominic Flowers' funeral. Photo / Supplied

A mother who died with her 8-year-old son hid behind a facade that she was coping with severe depression.

Heartbroken mourners were told Kim Flowers, 47, had been "incredibly absent" for a year, as she became plagued by the illness and detached from her family and friends.

But she was good at hiding her condition from doctors, living behind a facade that everything was okay, said funeral celebrant Sally Avison.

On July 17, as Kim's husband, James, went to work, he told the couple's 8-year-old son, Dominic, that he loved him.

He expected to be home that night to tuck him into bed but instead found the bodies of Kim and Dominic in their West Auckland home.

Police are investigating the deaths and will refer the case to the coroner. They have ruled out an accident and say no one else was involved.

Kim and Dominic's caskets stood side by side, adorned with photos and flowers as James lit candles at the start of the funeral service on Friday.

James and his son Nathan and stepson Alex - Kim's oldest child - broke down several times as they delivered heart-wrenching eulogies.

Avison told mourners that Kim took her own life and that Dominic died peacefully on the same day. She said the Kim who died was not the same person her family knew and loved. She had tried to take her life twice before.

"She was determined to succeed. She had been incredibly absent for a least a year. The signs of depression were evident. The change was insidious but complete," Avison said.

"We believe [Dominic] did not choose his death as Kim did. We understand the nature of his death was peaceful and gentle."

Avison said Kim's depression caused her to be withdrawn, disengaged from her family and friends. It began about a year after Dominic was born.

Kim had been working at TVNZ and left to become a fulltime mum.

"Life was good for the first year but after that things got quite difficult. She worried about money a great deal and needed to know she was safe and secure. She found it difficult to accept that everything would be all right, even when things were improving."

She became good at hiding "what was going on with her" but was still plagued by depression.

Avison said Kim felt she had lost her identity as a woman and felt consumed by her wife and mother roles. She read self-help books but refused offers of other help.

"Over the last year, things became steadily worse, but each time she saw a doctor she hid behind a facade that everything was okay to avoid the issues and treatment."

She said Kim and Dominic's deaths had left all who knew them feeling shocked, angry, guilty and overwhelmed.

"There are many questions, most of which begin with why. We may never know the answers. Kim is the only one who can answer. We cannot take responsibility for choices and decisions another person makes - as much as we would like to stop them."

James said he loved Kim unconditionally and completely and knew she loved him and their children back.

"We saw each other raising our boys and doing some travel ... enjoying our grandchildren and generally going wrinkly together," he said.

"Kim was the most amazing woman, wife, mother, friend and I will miss her. We had a perfect marriage and family. But in the end your bright light burned out and we won't have the opportunity to fulfil our future together."

James and Kim married in 2000 after meeting at TVNZ where they both worked. It was the second marriage for both and they built a family with James' son Nathan and Kim's son Alex. All three boys attended Holy Cross School in Henderson.

James broke down when speaking about Dominic. "What do you say when you've had perfection and then perfection has been taken away from you?"

Alex also struggled to talk about his mother and brother, but was supported by his father, Peter. "My mother was amazing. She would do whatever it took to make me happy ... once stayed up til three in the morning icing a birthday cake for me," he said.

"She loved me a lot and often reminded me. She was a people person ... family orientated. She gave me life and she always supported me no matter what."

Alex said Dominic was an optimist. "He was always making huts and doing experiments, making creations. He was very ambitious." The third brother, James' oldest son Nathan, read a letter to Dominic. "I don't know how anyone can live without him."

* Where to go for help

Lifeline 0800 543 354

Depression helpline 0800 111 757

Youthline 0800 376 633

Samaritans 0800 726 666

If it is an emergency and you feel like you, or someone you know, is at risk, dial 111 immediately.

Suicide Prevention Information New Zealand has more information about mental health services and contact information for counsellors, doctors and support groups. Visit: www.spinz.org.nz.

The Ministry of Health also offers information at www.depression.org.nz.

Teens can also visit www.thelowdown.co.nz.