Sideswipe

Todd Shepherd is a farmer in Hamilton who thinks he has solved Auckland's transport woes. He has spoken to Land Transport, who've given him figures and he could be on to something. "Twenty per cent of cars are without warrants in Auckland," he says. "That's about 800,000 cars." Todd says getting that number off the congested roads can be done simply by making it illegal to pump fuel into cars without a wof. "This would eliminate many cars from the road ... much like LPG cars have expiry dates on them."

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A reader writes: "To the man on the boat, fishing between Browns Island and Motuihe Island on Saturday morning. If you don't read Sideswipe, I'm sure you've told people you know about me, just as I have told my friends about you. So I am sure you will hear about this in a roundabout way. I am the person who warned you about keeping the undersized fish you were catching. You responded with abuse, which I expected but ignored. I was pleased to see the next undersized fish was returned to the sea. However, every fish you subsequently caught, you held up for my benefit and yelled, 'Is this undersized?' ... over and over, just in case I didn't hear you. My question to you is: Do you really think your behaviour is a good example to the two young people on your boat?"

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Nice work if you can get it: The presidency may have been a trial, what with promiscuous interns and the threat of impeachment, but safely out of the White House former POTUS Bill Clinton can't be unhappy with this current gig. According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Bill pockets a US$180,100 ($273,000) a year pension, paid monthly, office space wherever in the US he wants it, a staff allowance of US$96,000 and the American taxpayer digs deep for his travel, phone and postal costs. Plus, he has the right to be treated in military hospitals, gets Secret Service protection for life and a big swanky state funeral. But all this official income is peanuts compared to his other earnings. It would be fair to say Bill is no schmuck when it comes to working the post presidency brand for all it's worth. On top of his US$12 millon advance for book royalties, there is the lucrative speaking circuit. In one month he has earned US$1.45 million by speaking in Florida, Utah, New York, Canada, Perth, Adelaide and Melbourne. With money like that, you'd think he could shell out for his own security heavies.

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A joke: A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"