Sideswipe: You know, those long green things

Would it have been easier to offer zucchinis for sale at this fruit and vege shop in Kingseat?

Lost in translation #1

While working as a secretary for a camping equipment company some years ago, I heard through the headphones of my dictation machine: "A tent is not a dwelling place made of bricks and water, but is rather a skin of fabric between you and the elephants." Made sense, I thought, as my boss was taking samples of our tents to an expo (maybe he was going to Africa?). He roared with laughter and called me in to tell me that what he'd actually said was: "A tent is not a dwelling place, made of bricks and mortar, but is rather a skin of fabric between you and the elements."

Lost in translation #2

New immigrant Mike came a bit unstuck with Kiwi lingo when, fresh off the boat, he went to join the local rugby club. "Wanting to join a social team, I saw a bunch of youngish guys training (nobody else around) and asked what team they were. 'The Mouldies', I was told. I laughed. 'The Mouldies - good name,' I said, thinking it was funny in a self-deprecating sort of way, maybe in a reference to old rugby socks or similar. 'No,' said one of the guys. 'The Mouldies!' Then the embarrassment when it hit me - Maoris!"

Speaking like a native

"All this 'sav blonc' and 'Hurrakins' comes across like serious accent snobbery," says a Sideswipe reader. "We hardly expect perfect English from our foreign visitors, so why are we Kiwis expected to speak perfect English? Especially considering how many different accents and pronunciations abound in England. And French? Suck yew Bler!"

Putting the whine in snob

Gareth writes: "Thank you, Howard of Orakei, who shows himself to be the epitome (pronounced as it's spelt - e-pit-o-me) of all that's wrong with wine snobs. I trust he has no trouble telling the 'som-al-yeay' his preferred poison, and that his pronunciation of all global languages is as equally faultless. If everyone spoke the same, we'd get tired of listening to each other."