Sideswipe: Sep 13: 'Trespassers will be cut'

Last time we saw this sign outside a creche in Herne Bay it said trespassers will be cute ... now the sign has taken a darker turn.

Sparky saves naked and pregnant woman from hungry spa bath

"Last week I experienced the most embarrassing moment of my life," writes Leonie of Sandringham. "At 8 months pregnant and at home alone I decided to take a nice long soak in the bath. The house we rent has a nice, 80s salmon-coloured corner spa bath, and once filled I carefully lowered my naked magnitude into the water. After a while of floating around admiring my bump I decided I would turn on the jets. I'd never used them before. Okay, it was kinda loud, but I closed my eyes and laid back with my head in the water. Suddenly I felt my hair tug as it was being sucked into the jet. It pulled my head under the water, but I pulled back. I tried to free my hair but ended up making it a right mess of tangledness. Two things happened next. With my toe I managed to dislodge the plug and the drowny stuff ran down the drain. Phew! Then after an hour of lying nude in a drained bath the electrician arrived to fix a bung light switch. He knocked, I yelled and eventually (after telling him the spare key was in the peg basket by the washing line) he came into the bathroom, gave me a haircut and hoisted me out of the bath. I sent him a bottle of wine and got someone else to fix the light. Beat that Sideswipe readers."

Facebook gives thumbs down to cartoon's offensive dots

Just like Jay-Jay Feeney and her body paint picture, the New Yorker magazine violated Facebook's rules regarding nudity and was banned because of a cartoon depicting female nipples as simple dots. In response the New Yorker joked that they have tried to get back into Facebook's good graces by redrawing the cartoon with fully dressed post-coital heterosexuals, "but the gain in clothes caused too great a loss in humour".

Neighbourhood karaoke critic gives scathing review

A resident decided to give his neighbours a written appraisal after they disturbed his sleep with a late-night karaoke session. Oli Beale pinned his critique to the communal noticeboard at the block of flats where he lives in Hackney, East London. He wrote: "Your terrace faces 115 windows so you really did have the perfect stage. I'm sure you're keen to hear our verdict." He went on to rank each of their songs out of 10, giving their rendition of Pinball Wizard just three out of 10 and branding it "terrible". According to the note, the song by The Who had been belted out at 2.23am. At 3.14am there was apparently an attempt to sing along to Walk This Way by Aerosmith. Mr Beale described this as "the lowest point of the performance". Their version of Tiny Dancer by Elton John was "actually very good", he wrote. "I've always said it: if you're going to be woken up after two hours' sleep, it might as well be to a herd of morons screaming Tiny Dancer."