Sideswipe: Not-so-romantic Romeo

"Ingenious way to stop dining chairs from scratching floors," says Lynden Shanahan. Spotted on a Barfoot & Thompson real estate sign. Photo / Supplied

A would-be knight who tried to woo a maiden by riding into her home on a horse is facing five years behind bars for aggravated breaking and entering. Lovelorn Jan Rudnicki, 40, hatched the scheme to bowl over divorcee Gosia Domoslawska after a night's drinking at a bar in Jarnoltowka, Poland. But terrified Gosia, 36, called police when her drunken suitor - stripped to the waist - galloped up her garden path and smashed his way through the front door like a battering ram. "He's a loon. I was at home watching TV with my daughter when I heard this deafening crash and suddenly this half-naked man on a horse appeared in my front room," she said. "I never fancied him before and I certainly don't now."

School empire strikes back

In Massachusetts, Westfield High School officials suspended Tom Costello and Ryan Angco and barred them from their graduation after the duo performed a mock battle with a Star Wars theme in the school cafeteria. Principal Raymond Broderick said they could have hit someone with their toy light sabres.

Special golf delivery

Roving letterbox: An informant writes, "The No2 letterbox pictured in Sideswipe on an unused grass verge in Greenbank Drive, St Johns, which backs on to the Remuera golf course, was put there by the golf club superintendent. It was found in place of the flagstick on the 2nd green a couple of weeks ago."

Strictly medicinal purposes

Ex-tea planter Derek Lane writes: "As one of the old British Raj, I can assure you that tonic water came about because in those days we had none of today's medication against malaria, and used to take a daily dose of quinine with our gin, hence gin and tonic. The Indian was added because it was a drink confined to the Indian continent but later spread all over the world. G&T was mainly drunk at lunchtime, with whisky and soda being the evening drink, at least amongst the Old Raj."

Barking up the wrong tree

Schweppes does not contain quinine from the cinchona bark, Kirry says. "It contains synthetic quinine produced in a lab! One tonic produced in NZ contains natural quinine - it's called Quina Fina."

Just juxtaposition joking

Julie is enjoying the dialogue on metathesis, "having grown up using button cods to clean my ears, eating meals made from repices, having the occasional trip to the hostiple... not to mention my favouring a bisgetti toasted sandwich!"