Sideswipe: 27 January: Bulldogs AWOL in Orakei

Sideswipe - ana.samways@nzherald.co.nz·NZ Herald·

26 Jan, 2017 04:00 PM3 mins to read

"Someone missing two French bulldogs?" Photo / Supplied

Ryan goes above and beyond

"Someone missing two French bulldogs?" asks Ryan on Neighbourly. A few locals offer advice: "Take them to a vet and see if they've been microchipped," offers one. "the one on the left is an English bulldog," corrects another. "They are from Paritai Drive," says Jenni emphatically and goes on to describe where the house is.

Ryan decides to drop by. "Found the house," he writes. "Rang the gate intercom. No answer. Climbed over the gate to knock on the front door, heard a guy screaming at me - he thought I was robbing the place and he couldn't speak a word of English. I showed him a photo of the dogs on my phone and he thought I was after ransom! Turns out the guy was looking after his son's house and dogs.

"I had to call my Chinese friend and get him to translate. I needed him to come back to my house to get the dogs as I broke my rib two days ago and couldn't lift them into my car. Went and brought the dogs back to him anyway and when I left he shut the electric gates too early and they clipped the back of my car. What a mission!"

Malapropisms in brief

1. When she was little my stepdaughter referred to a cash register as a cash arrester. Very apt, I thought.

2. A friend once said she just had the cat muted.

3. I recently had a woman tell me that she would be internally grateful if I could do her a favour!

4. I have a friend who went around Italy, posting photos of old buildings on Facebook and describing them as "medi evil".

5. A colleague always writes "splitting image" instead of spitting image.

6. A nursing friend described an elderly patient with toilet issues as being totally intercontinental.

7. My mother, stacking goods in the kitchen, remarked to the young girl helping her, "This shelf seems higher at one end than the other." "It's not really," came the reply. "It's just a political delusion!"

8. My cousin recently assured me if I didn't make a will soon, I would die interstate - strange I am nearly 80 and don't travel a lot.

9. Another friend told me recently her neighbour had "clones" disease.

10. My husband would tell me about how as a child he would sit up for breakfast and his mother would give him a bald egg for breakfast!

11. I knew a woman who was adamant that she and a male friend had a purely palatonic relationship. I guess they were just pals!

Creating something out of nothing

Watties Wok Creations stir fry additive sauce contains alcohol? Photo / Supplied

Guy laughed at this packaging stuff-up. Watties Wok Creations stir fry additive sauce contains alcohol, he asks? Surely not. "Well I guess our 2-year-old will sleep well this evening. A call to their complaint line and the Watties customer services product person says none of their products contains alcohol."