The lore passed in women’s bathrooms of friends’ cousins’ exes trying to exact revenge by sharing their nude images without consent.
People made pariahs in a gendered economy where women shoulder most of the social cost for those who illegally distribute their intimate photos online.
Although it is never the victim’s fault, and those responsible can be charged with criminal offending, education surrounding sexting largely echoes the approach 1960s health classes took to intercourse before marriage. Don’t do it.
But as today’s teens grow up in an age of social media apps like TikTok and SnapChat, ignoring online sexual activity is no longer an option.
Sexual violence and gender researcher Paulette Benton-Greig says young people are made to walk the line when it comes to sending sexual content.
“There’s pressure not to send nudes, but there’s pressure to send nudes. So you know, the external world, the parent world, the adult world, the social world would tell them, just don’t do it.
“But also on the other hand, a lot of pressure from young men to see them.”
Auckland University of Technology senior law lecturer Paulette Benton-Greig. Photo / Supplied
Last year Benton-Greig, who is a senior law lecturer at Auckland University of Technology, and her colleagues published a paper exploring teenage girls’ responses to sexting-related harm prevention messages.
She says the teens they interviewed described the perceived unfairness of the situation, reflecting how they felt trapped between two forms of shaming.
Labelled as sluts if they do send nudes, or prudes if they don’t.
Benton-Greig is disappointed in resources available online about sexting, which she says are focused on how parents can tell young women “not to sext”, instead of on those engaging in exploitation, abuse or coercion.
“When you contextualise sexting itself as the problem, then the point of intervention becomes young women, right? But when you conceptualise the problem as unethical sharing or distributing or non-consensual distributing, then it’s young men’s practices.”
Although people can be the victim of this in any relationship, she says gendered ideas around sexuality are most influential in hetero-gendered contexts, which set women up to be the main group harmed.
“Certainly it can happen in same-sex relationships and a range of gender and sexual identity orientation arrangements.”
Benton-Greig believes young men are growing up in a world where masculinity is fundamentally shaped around sexual achievement.
“That is what drives the invisible part of the gendered economy, which is that young men want to see images because it brings them kudos for their masculinity among their male peers.”
The solution, she says, is tied to changing the social discourse around successful masculinity being about “getting sex from women”, and improving education.
“Then of course the other thing that parents can do is talk to the young men about ethical sexual behaviour. You know, don’t pressure women into sending pictures, don’t put pressure on people. Coercive behaviour is not ethically okay.
“If you do [get] images, don’t share them with others.”
Young people aren’t the only ones getting sexual digitally, and Benton-Greig says it’s worth noting a lot of focus has been on teen sexting because society pretends young people are not sexual beings.
“The ability to shame a woman by suggesting that she’s not properly up for it or not sexually agentic is growing.”
Ellen MacGregor-Reid.
Ministry of Education Curriculum Centre hautū (leader) Ellen MacGregor-Reid recognised there’s been an increasing number of incidents involving sexting and exploitation of sexualised content.
MacGregor-Reid says the ministry has provided specific guidance around teaching and learning about safe social media use, including harmful behaviours such as bullying, non-consensual acts, exploitation, pornography use and sexting.
“This interactive module, produced by the ministry and the Classification Office, is for educators to understand problematic use of pornography and social media, which includes lesson plans for use with secondary school students.”
Sex and relationship therapist Jo Robertson says schools have a long way to go when it comes to educating young people about sexting.
She says the best practice is to advise teens against doing it, or if they do decide to share explicit photos, explain how to do so in a safer way.
“We need to communicate, ‘Hey if you ever decide to do this, which we would prefer you not to, please don’t include your face, please ideally keep as much clothing on as possible, don’t have any personal items in the space around you, ask the person to delete it straight afterwards. follow up with them’.
“Know that person for quite a while, so actually have more of a long-term relationship, not somebody that you met last week, not somebody that you’re hoping to start a relationship with, because we don’t have trust there yet.”
People tend to think conversations about online sex should be had when teens are around 13 or 14, but Robertson says if young people are using gaming or online chat platforms it needs to be much earlier.
“We don’t actually want 15-year-olds sending photos of themselves to their partners or friends. That’s not good, it’s not a desirable situation and that’s because if they’re under 16, it’s actually a crime and it’s a crime for that person to then be on sharing it. So they’re putting themselves and other people in quite a vulnerable, risky situation.
“What we know can happen, is actually shared databases among young people of groups of boys collecting photos.”
If something goes wrong, Roberson saysvictims should not let shame get in the way of a “good outcome”, such as having an image removed from a site.
“It’s easy to let shame stop us from taking action.”
Katie Harris is an Auckland-based journalist who covers social issues including sexual assault, workplace misconduct, crime and justice. She joined the Herald in 2020.
If you are experiencing online harm you can contact Netsafe here.
