Sex more useful than chocolates

Women shout, men buy flowers but both genders find sex a more useful way to get through tough times in a relationship, according to a survey that looks at the health of relationships in New Zealand.

The Relationships 2005 survey by ACNielsen found the main causes of tension were not listening or understanding each other (32 per cent), not spending enough time together, and work pressures.

Twenty per cent said one partner wanting more sex than the other was a major cause of tension.

Money caused arguments for 23 per cent, especially those in middle income households ($40,000 to $80,000).

One-fifth of people said there were no causes of tension, and 17 per cent, particularly women, put housework down as one.

When it came to getting out of tense times, two-thirds had tried ignoring it and hoping it would go away, but only 17 per cent reported success.

Just over half had tried yelling and shouting at their partners, but only 6 per cent found it a helpful technique.

Men were more likely to try to get out of trouble by buying gifts. Two-thirds had tried the chocolate and flowers approach, and half found it worked.

Both genders turned to sex - although it was ranked only 13th out of 16 possible strategies, about 70 per cent had tried it and nearly 60 per cent found it effective.

More useful results came to those who accepted responsibility and apologised - reported as successful by more than 90 per cent of people.

ACNielsen surveyed 1000 people online for the study, commissioned by Relationships Services Whakawhanaungatanga.

About 65 per cent of respondents were in a relationship.

It found happiness for New Zealanders goes well beyond the honeymoon period - seven in 10 people said their relationship was more satisfying now than it was at the beginning and 84 per cent expected their relationship would continue to be satisfying or become even more so.

Eight out of 10 people were happy with their lives, and married people were the happiest in the land.

One-third of married people said they were very satisfied with life, compared with 17 per cent of those who had never been married and were not in a relationship.

In all, 85 per cent of everybody in a relationship said they were satisfied with life, compared with 68 per cent of singles.

This apparently had little to do with a good sex life, which was last in the list of what was important in a relationship.

Only 29 per cent ranked having an active sex life as very important, below financial security, which 44 per cent found very important.

Some 28 per cent also said they were very satisfied with their sex life, and 29 per cent were very satisfied with their financial security.

"Being in love" was very important to two-thirds.

Nearly everyone ticked "being able to relax around someone and be myself" and "being valued just as I am" as the keys to love.

Relationship Services chief executive Jeff Sanders said the research showed relationships were in "good heart and there is much to be happy about".

It shows most New Zealanders are working at their relationships 365 days of the year, not just on Valentine's Day.

They have a good understanding and appreciation for what makes great relationships and know they have to work at them, Mr Sanders said.

Most said relationships with their children were the most important, followed closely by partners.

Relationships with work colleagues were least important.

The results were the first of three parts of the Relationships 2005 survey. Sections on Single Life and Experiences of Parenting will be released later in the year.

Relationships by the numbers

Seven top causes of tension:


* Not listening to partner: 32 pc
* No time together: 28 pc
* Work pressures: 26 pc
* Money: 23 pc
* Clash in values or ideas: 23 pc
* Critical/negative attitudes: 21 pc

* One partner wants more sex: 20 pc


Best ways to deal with problems:

* Accepting responsibility: 92 pc found it useful
* Apologising: 91 pc
* Listening: 89 pc
* Accepting differences: 89 pc
* Focusing on the good things: 88 pc

Other ways to deal with problems:

Shouting and yelling: 6 pc found it useful
Ignoring problems: 17 pc
Buying gifts: 51 pc
Having sex: 58 pc
Having a life outside the relationship: 63 pc

Source: Relationship Services Whakawhanaungatanga Relationships 2005, by ACNielsen, poll of 1000 people, margin of error plus or minus 3 per cent.