Secret Diary of One Direction

One Direction members, from left, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne, Zayn Malik and Niall Horan. Photo / Supplied

Mike Hosking

I was lying next to the Prime Minister when the news came through that One Direction might be going their separate ways.

Any break-up is a sad business and the dissolution of the British boy band robs the entertainment industry of one of the world's most loved acts.

But let's study the thing a little bit more closely. Now call me a Pollyanna if you like but maybe the break-up of One Direction ain't all bad news.

Instead of one act we now have five solo acts. To me that's five glasses half-full. That's a lot of liquid in a lot of glasses and the choice, as ever, is yours.

Think of all the songs and music videos to come from Harry and the boys. Five directions instead of One Direction is good news. And I like good news as much as I like the Prime Minister, who I like very, very much.

It's in the media's interests to shape the break-up as bad news. That's what the media does, isn't it? It thrives on drama, and conflict, and defeat. You have to wonder about journalists sometimes and their kind of dismal little world view. I'm not a journalist. I'm an ideas man. I'm also a song and dance man. I'm light of foot and at any given moment I've got the boogie fever. I just can't, I just can't, I just can't control my feet - or, indeed, the fact that I like good news and the Prime Minister, so if you'll excuse me we need some privacy.

Duncan Garner

I wish One Direction all the best as they go their separate ways, I really do, they seem like nice young men, but I don't honestly know how it's going to pan out for them any more than I know how Ashley Madison has got my name.

Harry certainly has the looks, his hair is long and luxuriant, but I don't know if he has the right people behind him, and I don't know how I appeared on Ashley Madison's list.

Zayn obviously has a beautiful singing voice, I like the soulful way he carries himself, but I don't know how badly he wants success and I don't know who signed me up to Ashley Madison.

Liam has potential, you can't entirely rule out Louis and Niall, but I have no idea whether they really have the staying power and I have no idea whatsoever why it is that my name and details were given to Ashley Madison.

I'm married, happily married, I have my life and they have theirs, so all I can say is good luck and all the best to Harry, Zayn, Liam, Louis, Niall and Ashley.

Alex Hazlehurst

I'm talented. I'm hard-working. I'm blonde. But in the five minutes that I've lived in England since I left New Zealand, I still haven't been offered a job in a boy band.

I suppose it's too late to join One Direction now they've broken up. I know that's going to come as news to all the other young Kiwi women who've made their way to England with stars in their eyes. But I want to put it to them straight: One Direction are over, and so are your dreams, babe.

It totally sucks. But there's nothing anyone can do about it except moan.

Andrew Little

I walked into the office kitchen today and saw a gaggle of MPs laughing uproariously at something Jacinda Ardern was saying.

"I don't see what's so funny," I said. "One Direction have broken up."

Everyone went quiet. I made a cup of tea, and left.

The Prime Minister

At the end of the day the break-up of One Direction, like the dairy crisis, Third World housing conditions in New Zealand, and the damning report into CYF, isn't something my government is going to lose any sleep over.

Five directions instead of One Direction is good news. And I like good news as much as I like Mike Hosking, who I like very, very much.