Sam Fisher: Let's get to bottom of really serious conspiracies

Like Logan's Run, TV journos don't last past 30. Photo / Supplied

Opinion

Over the years I've dealt with many journalism students or recent broadcasting graduates on the case, chasing the big scoop.

The suspicious questioning, bushy-eyed enthusiasm and strong belief in their assumptions, about how things they don't understand actually work, is heartening but at the same time depressing.

A significant proportion of them are convinced they have stumbled on to Watergate, or at the very least you're-bloody-hiding-something-gate.

If only it were true.

They'd be best turning their minds to the more obvious conspiracies, the ones we all care about.

So, in the interests of encouraging young journalists, I'd like to nudge them in the direction of some coincidences that we simply want explaining.

Starting with toothpaste and toothbrush manufacturers. How is it that every year they can find another "major" dental hygiene issue requiring a new toothbrush or mouth paste or gel?

Surely they worked all this out years ago and an evil fear-mongering manipulator is rolling them out annually to make mega profits.

And why are all the toothpastes mint-flavoured? Is there a cunning vendetta against the mint industry to prevent them successfully getting mint into our food by making it remind us of a dentist? You decide.

Why haven't we won the Rugby World Cup since 1987? Consistently we've had the world's best team.

Have the plaintive cries of those who think Kiwis are too preoccupied with rugby been heard at the highest level?

Is there a conspiracy of unknown powerful operatives with white cats who ensure we keep losing to give other sporting codes a chance? Graham Henry's continued appointment can't be a series of coincidences.

Why is it every time a patriotic New Zealand business does well the people at the helm suddenly feel compelled to sell the company to someone offshore, generally Australia?

Coincidence? Or perhaps it's proof of a secret provision in CER we were never told about. Perhaps the NZ dollar and economy is kept so awful in comparison to Australia as part of a long-term agreement.

Consider this - there is no way our governments would perform so badly for so long if they really wanted to maintain our economic sovereignty.

Somewhere in Wellington there must be a deep throat, committed to safe sex messages but willing to tell all.

Finally, here's the greatest puzzle.

Every year, as news gets more complicated and requires more understanding of human nature and the past, newsrooms get smaller and younger.

Experienced, savvy news reporters are let go and 15-year-olds are brought in.

Have you seen the TV news? It's almost like there's been a slow but sure news-hack rapture, or more like Logan's Run, the sci-fi programme where everyone over 30 is put to death to keep society young. It's no wonder young journalists see themselves needing to be suspicious. They know they're not long for this world.