Richie Hardcore: This is what porn is doing to us

We can start talking about porn more critically ourselves. Photo / 123RF

COMMENT:

Last week the title page of the World's most visited porn site Pornhub, (which in 2018 alone clocked up over 33 billion visits), greeted me with which videos are popular in New Zealand. These included videos where a 'slut' is made to 'suffer', school teachers have sex with students, and of course these days ever-popular intra-familial brother and step-sister or father has sex with stepdaughter themes. Without any government regulation in place as it stands, anyone, of any age, with access to the internet, can access all of these videos, free of charge.

New Zealand specific research conducted last year respectively by The Light Project and The Office For The Classification of Film and Literature informed us that most children were encountering such aggressive pornography, and this pornography is shaping their sexual templates.

Before they have even held hands with a potential sexual partner, children are potentially being conditioned to videos where women are paid to pretend to enjoy being physically hurt in the way of being choked and slapped or degraded by being called names and spat on. When you encounter a strong sexual stimulus it becomes what's called an anchoring bias, which means that all their other sexual and intimate experiences may be seen and experienced through a lens coloured by porn's introduction to sex.

Yesterday The Office For The Classification of Film and Literature released its latest report, Breaking Down Porn. It shows a shift away from the consumption of overtly aggressive pornography, which is admittedly positive, but a troubling trend in the consumption of 'step porn.' 43% of the most viewed videos featured 'step porn where initial refusal to engage in sexual activity was overcome with pressure and persistence.

As an educator on the interrelated topics of constructs of masculinity, family and sexual violence prevention and pornography, having spoken to tens of thousands of young people and adults in both New Zealand and Australia, I hear how this plays out in very real terms.

In one anecdote recently repeated to me, charged with rape, the teenage offender asked as to why he didn't stop upon seeing his female victim crying, replied 'I thought girls crying during sex was normal.' A school's digital dean (the dean responsible for issues arising from all things internet-related) once relayed to me that routinely they found animal porn and group sex or gang bang porn in her teenage charges smartphones.

A school nurse quietly told me of girls, at 14 years old, presenting with anal sex-related injuries, trying to recreate the pornography they and their youthful sexual partners are taking their cues from. Another teacher informed me they had invited me to present because they had spoken to police about two sexual assaults on school grounds that week. These personal anecdotes I share with you are now well backed by a growing body of academic research.

Toah NNEST, The National Network for Ending Sexual Violence Together, quote the World Health Organisation multi-country study which found rates of child sexual abuse in New Zealand for adult women to be 28% (in rural setting) and 23% (in urban settings), or around 1 in 4 women. This was higher than any of the other 10 countries in the multi-country study. At the very least, surely we can agree that it's troubling then, that quasi incest porn is part of the sexual appetite of porn consumption.

The problem is of course not isolated to New Zealand. United Kingdom-based website wecantconsettotothis, is a clearinghouse of self-reported experiences. It makes for grim reading. Non-consensual choking is a repeating theme in the letters sent in, as is unrequested slapping and name-calling. Upsetting as it is to read, it is important, as it highlights the growing size of the latest iteration of the normalisation of violence against women and girls. We must name a problem in order to address it.

Before I'm charged with being sex-negative, an-alt Right Christian and just generally being super vanilla, let me say I'm not in any way opposed to fun, kind, consensual casual sex. People all have their turn-ons and kinks and they shouldn't be shamed. Exploring these is not wrong, but it requires excellent communication, respect and understanding. Having respect for the people we are sexually connecting with, emotionally and physically, should be a starting place and yet sadly for many it is not.

In an age of loneliness where so many people are looking for meaningful connection, they are looking for it in all the wrong places, and for many, it seems, sex has become transactional.

When people's sexual arousal pathways are wired to watching people being hurt and disrespected, when consent isn't role modelled, and sexual pleasure comes through the dull blue glow of porn on a computer screen, real humans seem increasingly to be treated as objects and commodities. Given the mixed education, if any, people are getting about sex, consent and indeed porn, we have created a serious problem.

It's up to us now try and figure out how to undo the damage that's come from this pandora's box, and while we wait for politicians to enact meaningful policy, we must start with ourselves. Let's talk openly with each other about what affirmative consent is. Let's teach our children and indeed our peers, about boundaries, let's talk about the spiritual and emotional component of sex as much as about how to make it hot.

We need to encourage our politicians to enact legislation to limit the exposure of young people to porn. We need uniform education that's age-appropriate across all schools to give young people the tools they need to have porn literacy and know not just what affirmative consent is, but how to have mutually pleasurable sex. If you're a parent talk to your Board of Trustees. at your local school and tell them you want porn in the curriculum.

And uncool as it may sound, maybe we can start talking about porn more critically ourselves. We don't just have to accept it as it is. Just because it's normal and ubiquitous, doesn't mean it's healthy for us. We can still be 'sex-positive' and critique porn for what it is role modelling to us; non-consensual and coercive behaviour, normalizing sexual violence. With such a problem around violence and sexual assault, it's vital we challenge the culture it comes from, and porn is part of that culture. Let's finally start to challenge that.

• Richie Hardcore is an educator and speaker on pornography, masculinity and family and sexual violence prevention working with a number of agencies including White Ribbon and the Ministry of Social Development.