We're talking about the fate of seven billion people here.
No communication. No phone. The only buttons he's allowed to push are on the TV remote.
Not even writing on a cap. Not even writing his own golf score. It would make the world a safer place. Pyjamas all day, Hefner style, if he chooses. All the golf he wants. Surrounded by beauty contestants, mobbing him to squeal how great he is at golf.
Actually, how about an induced coma, and mild cryogenic freezing, for six months? Tell him he gets a Purple Heart as well as the Nobel Prize, and his face sculpted on the Moon. Completely asleep, he'd be making the world a better place.
Surely it could be spun to him. Tell him nobody's ever done it before: he's a pioneer. So brave. Braver than sheep like McCain, who went off to war, boom, ka-pow, rat-tat-tat! Braver than Rambo! Braver than walking on Mars, like Matt Damon.
"Mr President. You know how bankruptcy means you're successful? And you know how paying zero tax on Russian bribes makes you smart? Well, complete cessation of all outward communication, means you're a champion politician. Nobody's ever managed it before. Even the lying fake news media will have to admit that you project calm, as you lie there, silent, inert, under general anesthesia, being fed compliments through a tube."
Tell him a stadium will cheer him on, as he lies there. Or just say it's Putin's idea.
Speaking of the virtues of silence, how about the Green Party?
I'm glad I'm writing this on a laptop, because the sheer speed of events would otherwise cause me to eat through a lot of the planet's resources.
First, two Green MPs resign, after Metiria's confession of historic benefit fraud.
So, just when the election was getting interesting, these two guys decided to throw manure at their own team. They would rather not save the planet, thank you, if it means saving the planet with someone who lied in the 90s to get the DPB.
Is it the Green Party's aim, its reason for being, to make sure people fill out forms correctly? Is deceptive form-filling, by solo mums, on the subject of flatmates, the global threat that spurred the Greens into existence?
Are these the carbon emissions the Green Party cares about: pencilled lies on a Winz form?
What's more important? Electoral success, to advance Green values; or one person's misdemeanors 25 years ago?
The good that might come from her candid, brave and risky confession, to bring the topic of solo mums, poverty, or the welfare system to the front page, was to them irrelevant.
Their years of personal experience with her as a colleague was irrelevant. She'd suddenly admitted to testing positive for dishonesty, and no matter how trivial the dollars, or how long ago, that was it for them. She had to be shunned.
The lack of perspective is pure dunderhead. Those guys would have done more for the planet if they'd just slept in, snoring out carbon dioxide.
And now, surely spurred at least partly by this, Metiria has resigned, vowing never to return to Parliament. The moral of this story sucks.
The moral is: don't take the risk of honesty about your past, no matter how many people your story could help.
It was courageous to come out with her confession, but it's backfired. I wonder this: how much of the hounding against her, was from inside the left?
Do they not want to win?
Elections are about winning. Bigly. Being in Opposition is great, if you enjoy heckling. But if you want to get things done, if you have a plan, and not just a sharp tongue, you have to win.
Politicians on the right realise this. (Isn't this why Republicans dominate?)
As for politicians on the left: maybe they prefer to stay warm by wringing their hands.
