Raising her voice to help end abuse

Katrina said her partner had a "bizarre upbringing" with a mother who encouraged him to be cruel. Photo / iStock

Singer says she is ready to take back her life after spending years in a violent relationship

To the outside world, Katrina*, her partner and their child were a "good churchgoing family". Katrina sang in a gospel band.

"He'd be proud of me when I did that," she says. "When we went out, he forced me to present to the world that everything was fine."

But at home, Katrina endured a nightmare that lasted over a decade. At her lowest point she was bedridden, dangerously underweight and her memory and ability to concentrate had been broken by years of brain injuries and violence-induced illness.

"I can remember in the doctor's rooms when he pulled up my jumper and saw probably 40 or 50 bite marks and bruises, I thought how could I fall from grace so far - having chronic blood loss and needing a blood transfusion, emaciated, covered in his bite marks?" she said. "What it did to me psychologically was to break me down. I had no value. I felt less valuable than a garden slug."

For years afterwards, she couldn't sing, or even go to church because it reminded her of her abuser.

But she wrote songs - dark songs, like Evil in his Head:

You always have to win,
I always have to lose,
That's the way you choose to live your life,
It's the way to force me too.

She will finally sing some of those songs at the end of a White Ribbon Day parade in Myers Park tomorrow, symbolically taking back power over her own life.

White Ribbon Day, started by Canadian men who wore white ribbons to honour 14 female students shot dead in 1991, starts from midday today, when murdered Kiwi student Emily Longley's father Mark Longley will lead a group planting stakes in the shape of a giant white ribbon in Takutai Square near Britomart Station.

Katrina said her partner had a "bizarre upbringing" with a mother who encouraged him to be cruel.

"He was a real Jekyll and Hyde," she said. After she escaped he kept stalking her. He fought her protection order in court until a judge finally cancelled it, forcing Katrina to change her name and go into hiding. Now she belongs to the Domestic Violence and Disability working group and has started a new group, Say No!

*Not her real name.

Danger signs

Katrina's list:
• Dangerous driving: playing chicken on the road, driving too fast to scare you.
• Jealousy: obsessive, constantly ringing and texting, not wanting you out of his sight.
• Charm: charming men are dangerous men; you don't suspect them because they are showering you with gifts.
• Pressure: even though you say no, it's "because I love you so much".
• Temper: anyone who's inclined to fly off the handle quickly.
• Trophy hunting: more interested in how you look than in whether you are comfortable.
• Mum: treats his mother like a doormat.

Toolbox for men

White Ribbon Day's toolbox:
• Equality: Give her space to be herself; don't put her in her place.
• Communication: Talk it out with her; don't take it out on her.
• Consent: Ask if she's into it; don't pressure her into it.
• Take responsibility: Get feedback from your partner. and others.
• Help other men: If another man is disrespectful, show you disagree.
• whiteribbon.org.nz

What's happening

Auckland:
• Today 12pm to Wed 3pm: Plant white ribbon stakes at Takutai Sq, with music, speakers.
• Wed 11am: March up Queen St; speeches and music at Myers Park from 11.45am.
• Wed 7pm: West Against Violence open mic night, Hoani Waititi Marae.

Manukau:
• Wed 8am: High schools breakfast, Bruce Pulman Park, Takanini.
• Wed 11am: Walk a mile in her shoes, Manukau Sq, with entertainment.

Hamilton:
• Wed 1pm: Walk a mile in her shoes, meet at five crossroads outside Work & Income, Fifth Ave.

Otorohanga:
• Sunday Nov 29: Violence-free picnic with entertainment, Island Reserve, 12pm-4pm.

Tauranga:
• Today: White Ribbon Riders, Papamoa Plaza, 3.15pm.