Tracey Barnett: Political antics keep us guessing

For those of you who weekly, nay, even hourly, beg me for updates of who will be the Republican nominee for the US presidential race for 2012, please contain yourselves. Sometimes there is only so much excitement readers can bear.

I know I've been listless ever since Sarah Palin won my cold columnist's heart in 2008 by not being able to name even one publication she reads on a daily basis.

And I have to admit, the launch of her new national bus tour and film - yes, feature film, bless her cinematic Grizzly Mutha heart - entitled The Undefeated did bring flickers of joy to my zombied eyes.

Seeing as I have a vague recollection, the former Alaskan Governator was actually, um, defeated as a vice-presidential candidate a while back.

But I am too busy falling in love with the kind of fresh US election offal of which our doze-inducing New Zealand race can only dream, after our current affairs shows finish running pieces on Peter Dunne's bouffant.

American politics always gives the phrase "embarrassment of riches" new meaning.

We do hair, too. Columnists who shall remain nameless wept the day that "The Donald" Trump's frozen tsunami comb-over declared itself not running. Trump's fabulous non-candidacy got trumped by the one thing Americans cannot stomach. When Obama chided him in his stand-up routine at the annual press correspondents' dinner, cameras zoomed in on The Donald sitting lemon-faced like a 4-year-old just pushed off the swings.

Don't get me wrong, American voters will tolerate a standard poodle running for office, provided they can do at least one good trick. They often even enjoy candidates with the intelligence quotient of a sock puppet. But God forbid a candidate who can't laugh at himself. He's fired.

I admit I despaired having to actually explain the difference between Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin (Michelle parts her hair on the right), or that one anti-gay union candidate, Rick Santorum, has actually become a fairly disgusting verb when Googled.

But lately, the Republican race got almost wonderful with the prospect of Rick "Coyote" Perry from the Kingdom of Texas throwing his Stetson into the ring.

Finally a man to whom grits will stick. Who cares that only 4 per cent of Republicans in his own state would vote for him. This is a man who packs a loaded Ruger .380 with laser sights when he goes jogging. As do I.

We know this because he shot a coyote to protect his daughter's dog when he went out for a run one day. Thus compelling his nervous electorate to ask when he reaches to shake your hand, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?"

This, from a man who actually has the word "Freedom" etched on one cowboy boot and "Liberty" on the other. Really. I couldn't possibly make this up. Millions of voters besides me now fear what he has written on his undergarments.

When asked if he was going to run, Perry told reporters for the first time last week, "I'm going to think about it". He added: "But I think about a lot of things." Which is a tremendous relief for all of us who weren't so sure.

It just seems everybody is starting this race badly.

In Newt Gingrich's first week after announcing, it was revealed he has an unpaid bill at Tiffany's of half a million dollars. I'm putting even money on the press tip-off coming from his first two wives who didn't get the ice.

Voters seem to like the pearls from Herman Cain, the Godfather of Pizza, except when he began his candidacy declaring he would never appoint a Muslim to his administration and then had to back-pedal. Obviously, the inevitability of Sharia law taking over America is weighing less heavily on voters than his Meatbuster Supreme.

Like the notably snoozy speaker Minnesota's Tim Pawlenty, or "T-Paw" as he is known to the crowd who had to be woken for applause at the end of his campaign launch, there are a whole spate of guys who fall into the anybody-but-Mitt-Romney poll leader. If Rudy Giuliani throws his hat into the ring, I want 20c every time 9/11 is uttered from his lips, his singular finest moment, as he keeps reminding us.

Former Utah Governor and moderate Jon Huntsman is in the wings, with a twist.

Obama thought he was enough of a threat in 2012 that he actually appointed this Republican ambassador to China, getting him far away from Washington. Apparently, keep your friends close and your potential enemies in Beijing.

Stay tuned, or better yet, rent West Wing and call Martin Sheen to tell him we miss him - because there are far too many Charlie Sheens in the mix so far.

* www.traceybarnett.co.nz or twitter @traceybarnett