From Hekia Parata
Since announcing I'm leaving Parliament I've felt a lightness of spirit, a liberation, the sense of crisp relief you get from plunging into the water at Tokomaru Bay on a hot summer day. I've had a good time, don't get me wrong, but I can't wait to talk in my own voice again, unshackled from the bullshit and jargon. Still, for old time's sake, I'll be coming to your party as a pathway going forward.
From Hon Paula Bennett, acting prime minister
Busy, busy busy! Just sent a staffer down to the haberdasher to get some ribbons to practise cutting. Sent a bunch of texts to bloggers. Outlawed the word crisis. Renamed Premier House The Westie Wing, lol.
From Jenny, the mayor of Townsville
John, can I call you John, means the world to us that you said such nice things about us in the media, really exciting for us all, and just to let you know I followed up on those issues, you know, the issues, and it turns out the intruder seen at the airport was probably Michael Cheika, and he wasn't tampering with anything, you know, he just had this giant red nose he wanted to attach to your plane, I think it's a charity thing or whatever, I don't know, look, for all I know he was off his tits on energy drinks, you know.
From Judith Collins
No need to worry about events back home - I'm across it. Some interesting ideas developing around how the team from Tribal Huk of Ngaruawahia might tender to run a Corrections facility, or fill in for the junior doctors. Can't wait for Monday. I'm coming dressed up as a breath-testing checkpoint.
From Steven Joyce
No need to worry about events back home - I'm across it, from Sydney. Some interesting ideas developing around investment in the Parker-Ruiz heavyweight title fight. Expect the usual moaners to raise questions around corporate welfare, pay-to-view broadcast and whether or not I should be banned from attending owing to having personally totally jinxed the America's Cup in San Francisco. Most important consideration is leveraging the New Zealand brand in a snappy "rumble in the jungle" style coinage. If in Auckland, the Bleeding Rark Up at Eden Park, yup? Or in Wellington, the Face-Breakin' at the Ace Caketin? We'll talk at the Halloween function. I'm coming as hair straighteners. I love a bit of fun, I'm all about the fun, but grateful if you could resist throwing anything silicon at me on arrival.
From Boris Johnson
Bloody hell, old bean. You won't believe where this Brexit ballyhoo has landed us now, only a bloody Marmite shortage. Hoi polloi are furious. Don't suppose you could find a way to send some of yours across for your old pals in Blighty. We'd be ever so obliged. Ductus exemplo and all that, eh, Jeff!
From Hon Paula Bennett, acting prime minister
Finally got the PM Paula B letterhead back - you're going to love the leopard print - and drafting up a prime ministerial statement on the whole 757 debacle. Here's what I've got so far:
"PM Paula B, the acting prime minister of New Zealand, has instructed the Royal NZ Air Force to detail the circumstances that led to the disruption in Townsville. PM Paula B, the acting prime minister of New Zealand, said: 'It is important that all concerned recognise the gravity of even one day's delay to such a high-level delegation, but especially to the schedule of New Zealand's most important and dynamic leader.' She added: 'And not just Brendon McCullum, also John Key.'" Kidding! Lmao!
From Kim Dotcom
It is I, Kim Dotcom! Your worst nightmare! Yes! Out of all the nightmares, the worst one you can imagine, or maybe even worse than that! A nightmare so terrifying it will make you lose control of your bladder and actually feel really awful about it all, you know? Yes! I am Kim Dotcom and I will destroy you and also Hillary Clinton, and also I have others on the list but you two are first on the list so you will feel the full fury and vengeance of Kim Dotcom! It's all going to be really amazing, but of course very much like a nightmare for you. OK, great, good to catch up.
From Hon Paula Bennett, acting prime minister
Winston's been standing in your office for the last hour just staring at me. Just standing and staring. Is that normal?
From Nick Smith
Do you ever feel already buried deep? Six-feet-under screams, but no one seems to hear a thing? Do you know that there's still a chance for you? Because there's a spark in you. Just a thought, really. Are you not doing a Halloween party this year?
