Toby Manhire: A beginner's guide to NZ politics

Looking for answers? Political scientist, golfer, Booker Prize winner and All Black captain John Key has got them.

Not everyone lives and breathes the Beehive, the beltway, the bubble. For those unfamiliar with political matters as we draw closer to the election, again to be contested under New Zealand's proportional electoral system, the Duckworth Lewis method, here is a crib sheet: the state of the parties with 57 days to go.

The National Party: In government, in the lead, and invincible. A sleek machine forged in the image of their guru, their Indiana Jones, their easy-going best mate with loads of hilarious anecdotes. With a preferred prime minister ranking of several hundred per cent, John Key is the most beloved man in the southern hemisphere. According to a popular new account of his life, Mr Key wrestles bears, invented ice-cream and once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. The party slogan is "Working for New Zealand", which has a clever double meaning.

The National Party is "really working for New Zealand, and totally Team Key", says leading political scientist John Key, who has never even heard of Claudette Hauiti and remains completely relaxed about airport doors.

A political powderkeg may yet ignite in the final week of the campaign, with Kim Dotcom's promised revelations. If he does prove that John Key knew about the FBI operation earlier than January 19, 2012, expect to see a grovelling apology - David Cunliffe simply must say sorry for failing to have dug up this evidence earlier.

The Labour Party: The darkest hour, they say, is just before dawn. But for the Labour Party, the darkest hour has repeatedly arrived just before an even darker hour. A big step to the left and another back to the centre has torn their gusset. Several solid policy launches have been sabotaged by infighting, gaffes, loose lips and extinct birds.

David Cunliffe, the leader of this ragtag troupe, is said to have single-handedly rescued a child from a burning building last week.

He now faces a range of questions. Why did he not consult with his caucus before charging into the flames? Was the child one of the anonymous donors to his leadership campaign? And, if he really cared, wouldn't he have used both hands?

After consulting colleagues, Mr Cunliffe announced that with the benefit of hindsight he regretted his decision to rescue the child.

New Zealand's best-known golfer, John Key, said he never commented on operational matters, before adding, in a whisper, "Arson".

The Green Party: The Devil-Beast collective, as it is universally known, has thrived while its Labour friends have floundered. "Haters and wreckers, river-hugging weirdos. About as satisfying as stale carob," said New Zealand's leading attack blogger, John Key, prompting a demand by the Greens for an inquiry into carob. Hashtag: #TeamQuinoa.

New Zealand First: This 21-year-old upstart is led by the ageless and dashing Right Honourable Winston Peters, every bit as exciting and relevant as the Commonwealth Games.

Mr Winston is ably supported by a clutch of MPs who have mastered the political art of nodding and cheering when he speaks.

No party is more alert to the number of Chinese takeaways on Dominion Rd, if you know what they mean. This party talks a lot of common sense, or to put it another way, they say the words "common sense" an awful lot.

According to celebrated Booker Prize winner John Key, Mr Peters is "you know, eh?"

Maori Party: Though their future looked shaky after a leadership change and continued criticism for supporting the National government, optimism is on the rise with a movement to make the Maori Party compulsory in schools.

"Ka pai, guys," said acclaimed rangatira John Key.

Act Party: Apart from a succession of catastrophic leaders and a globally discredited ideology, Act is in good shape. Slogan: "#TeaKey". "Hi!" said senior party insider John Key.

Internet-Mana Party: Inspired by the teachings of Kim Dotcom, their visionary and spiritual descendant of Hone Heke, the Internet-Mana Party is committed to Mana, to the internet, and to parties.

"Much internet, very Mana, wow," said New Zealand's leading doge, John Key.

United Future: The United Future Party is a bow-tie with a man attached, walking purposefully around Johnsonville Mall.

Conservative Party: Colin Craig is staring at you with those deep dishy eyes, and if you call him loony or mad or bonkers or wild or nuts, he sayeth unto you: I know you are but what am I?

His bottom line - bottom! - is that referendums returning more than two-thirds support for something or other shall be binding. Polls show more than 98 per cent of people do not particularly want the Conservative Party in Parliament.

"Let me get back to you on that one," said All Black captain John Key.