The Unauthenticated Diaries of Maori Affairs Minister Pita Sharples on the occasion of backing Maori Television's bid for the rights to the 2011 Rugby World Cup.
MONDAY
Whooo-eee - it's not all flags and mana enhancements in here today, I tell you. I forgot to tell John Key that my ministry was giving Maori TV $3 million to help it get the rights to the Rugby World Cup. All the teko has hit the kowhiuwhiu
(fan) now! He's nearly as angry as he was when I "announced" the government would sign the Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples. I sent a staffer to gauge his mood at his weekly press conference. Apparently his eyes were as hard as unpolished pounamu.
Passed him in the corridors later and I muttered soothing words about manaakitanga (respect and kindness to others) but he glared at me. "What is the most important thing?" I asked him.
"I know, I know, Pita - 'it is people, people, people.' And they all want to be able to watch the bloody World Cup."
"Wrong! It was the Super City Maori seats," I tell him.
TUESDAY
Labour Party MPs and Rodney Hide are kicking it in the guts now. Shane Jones reckons it's a World Cup for Emissions Trading contra scheme. He thinks the money would be better used helping young Maori. Trevor Mallard thinks it should be used for junkets for people in New Zealand to go to the United Kingdom now and encourage them to come to New Zealand in 2011. I can see what Tau means about him now.
I remember Chris Carter pulled the old "they're picking on me cos I'm gay" line about his travel costs and decide to try a similar tactic.
Then I remember it didn't work out so well for him, so I sent out the press release under Te Ururoa's name accusing everyone of being racist.
Chris rings me to applaud my tactics - he agrees it's nothing to do with spending millions of dollars of taxpayers' money and everything to do with institutionalised stereotypes.
WEDNESDAY
Some joker told the media all the commentary would be in te reo. I suggest to Key that we run a public education campaign to teach people the te reo version of rugby terms.
He says if I'd wanted public education campaigns we should have gone with Labour. I try to bring in a bit of levity by suggesting Maori commentary will only be used when a Maori player has the ball. He seems to have left his sense of humour on the Letterman set.
Luckily, Associate Health Minister Tariana Turia has come up with a new spin to help me out. It will be good for obesity because all those people who can't get Maori TV won't be sitting on their sofas watching rugby for weeks on end. The National Party's communications team vetoes the press release - they say it belongs in the Melissa Lee Motorway Crime Prevention Theory file.
THURSDAY
Aue! Have just looked at the diary and discovered I have to spend the whole day with John K in the Hawkes Bay tomorrow. I go on the radio and make a grovelling apology for not discussing it with him and Bill English. I tell everyone I was naive. I don't tell them how relieved I am to have this epiphany too late for it to make any difference. I tell them I wrote to Bill English to tell him Maori TV intended to bid for it and TPK (Te Puni Kokiri) might support it. Bill English apparently thought I meant moral support. Thank God he's overseas. He sent me a text message - not a nice one.
"What is the most important thing?" I ask.
"Taxpayers' money" he sent back. I send him the Google page of headlines about his housing allowance. No reply as yet.
* These diaries are only partially based on real events.
