Steve Braunias: The secret diary of the House of Sharma

OPINION

MONDAY

Our story begins in the second century of the Queen Ja Cinda dynasty when all seemed well at Queen's Landing. No power could stand against it if only because the opposing forces mustered by the House of Luxon were such a goddamned toxic mess.

But the Queen knew the cold truth. The only thing that could tear down the House of Ardern was itself.

The Queen's Hand, Kieran of House McAnulty, approached the Iron Throne and said, "Your Grace, what are we going to do about Gaurav of House Sharma? He refuses to bend the knee."

She ran a finger across her throat.

TUESDAY

They came for Gaurav under cloak of darkness and threw him out of his nice warm Labour Party bed.

"You're a total dickhead, mate," said the Queen's ruffians.

"You've all always been so mean to me!" wept Gaurav, gathering his coins and making sure none were lost. "None of you have ever liked me! None of you have ever gone out of your way to say nice things to me! None of you have ever given your unswerving loyalty and enduring love to me! Me! Me! Me!"

WEDNESDAY

Gaurav was exiled to the faraway polar wastes of Queen's Landing.

"I'm so cold," he trembled. "Poor me!"

A rider approached on a mule. It was the ever-smiling David of House Twerk. He made Gaurav a gift of blankets and some hot chips. "Join us, friend," he said. "We'll listen to your pathetic bleatings if it's to our advantage."

Gaurav said through tears of gratitude, "I will most certainly consider it. Thank you for thinking of me! Me, me, me!"

Queen Ja Cinda has exiled Gaurav of House Sharma to the faraway polar wastes of Queen's Landing. Photo / Mark Mitchell

THURSDAY

Gaurav spent the day happily accepting gifts from all of the opposing forces in Queen's Landing.

He stuffed himself with chocolates, admired his new range of ermine coats, and was especially pleased with a range of full-length mirrors.

Christopher of House Luxon sat with his new friend and filled his cup with mead. "I gather the mirrors were a gift from the newly formed Freedoms NZ party," he said. "They seem like reasonable people. I wouldn't rule out working with them. Imagine all of us together, storming Queen's Landing, deposing Ja Cinda, and taking the Iron Throne!"

"With you beside me, as the King's Hand," said Gaurav, his face glowing.

"Yes, something like that," replied Christopher of House Luxon, refilling Gaurav's cup.

FRIDAY

Queen Ja Cinda consulted with Kieran of House McAnulty.

"You had no choice but to get rid of him, Your Grace," said The Hand.

"But I have unleashed dark furies that threaten my reign."

"Do you want me to silence him? I have ways of shutting a man's trap. Diabolical ways, most cruel and yet delightful."

"No. Let him talk. The more that people hear him and get an understanding of his character," she said, "the better it is for us."

Our story ends with an unusual sentence. The Hand bent the knee.