Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of...The Debate

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump shake hands during the presidential debate at Hofstra University. Photo / AP

Donald Trump
Greetings planet Earth.

I come in pieces.

Excuse me a moment while I receive a message from another dimension.

I see.

Yes.

Understood.

Thank you for your patience. I have been informed that it will improve my chances of winning tonight's debate if I play a stock character in American life - a strung-out junkie.

SNIFF! HONK! SNORT!

Lester Holt
Hillary Clinton, two minutes on making equivocal noises about gun laws.

Hillary Clinton
Thank you, Lester. Well as we all know, guns don't kill people. People on terrorist watchlists kill people, and sometimes they do it with guns, but also with aeroplanes, and I don't think anyone seriously promotes the idea of calling for a ban on aeroplanes.

My daddy owned a gun. He also owned a squeegee. I'd like to take a moment to talk about that squeegee and what it represents.

It represents hard work and honest labour, and if talking about a squeegee is my best shot at being associated with those virtues, then I'll talk about a squeegee.

I said to my daddy one day, "Daddy," I said, "you sure do love that squeegee."

And he said to me, "You're darn right I do, and if any of them goddamned terrorists get the darn fool idea of coming on to my property with a view to stealing my squeegee, then I'll shoot them dead."

Lester Holt
Thank you. Mr Trump, two minutes on failing to make a lick of sense.

Donald Trump
Have you ever wondered why you never see a Mexican and a Chinese together?

Think about it.

It's mighty suspicious, isn't it?

I want you to picture a Mexican, and then picture a Chinese. And now I want you to picture what it would look like if you put them together. Imagine a composite sketch.

They'd have dark eyes, wouldn't they, and dark hair.

Their skin colour would be dark, too.

Now picture them wearing a long white robe and riding a camel and issuing hoarse threats in the name of Islam.

That's right. You put a Mexican and a Chinese together, and you've got Isis.

Lester Holt
Thank you. And now I'd like you to make a fairly cogent point, Mrs Clinton, and for you, Mr Trump, to make the kind of response that reveals your financial acumen at the same time as highlighting one of the many thousands of reasons why you should be the last person to become the next US President.

Hillary Clinton
Donald was one of the people who rooted for the housing crisis. He said, back in 2006, "Gee, I hope it does collapse, because then I can go in and buy some and make some money."

Well, it did collapse.

Donald Trump
That's called business, by the way.

Lester Holt
And again, please.

Hillary Clinton
Donald doesn't want the American people to know that he's paid nothing in federal taxes, because the only years that anybody's ever seen were a couple of years when he had to turn them over to state authorities, and they showed he didn't pay any federal income tax.

Donald Trump
That makes me smart.

Lester Holt
Thank you. Well, we're coming to the end of the debate, but we have time for Mr Trump to make one more senseless remark which should spell the end of his chances of winning the Presidential race but may well have the opposite effect because right now the United States of America seems intent on a descent into madness.

Donald Trump
I think I did a great job and a great service not only for the country, but even for the President, in getting him to produce his birth certificate.