Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of the Apec leaders

<strong>Obama:</strong> I'm actually very fond of John Keys. We play golf together. He's become a good friend, and an excellent caddy. Photo / Pete Souza

Barack Obama: Oh look. There's John.

Malcolm Turnbull: John who? Don't tell me it's John Howard! Christ! I wouldn't be surprised! It'd be just the kind of stunt that arsehole would pull! Sneak into Apec, high-five everyone, and then announce he's leading a coup to replace me as Prime Minister! Well if he thinks that's the way democracy operates in the lucky country, he's got another thing coming!

Obama: No, I meant John Keys.

Turnbull: Who?

Obama: John Keys. He's the Prime Minister of New Zealand.

Turnbull: Well, I suppose someone has to.

Obama: Good guy.

Turnbull: Wonderful guy.

Obama: The best.

Turnbull: A champ.

Obama: So do you actually talk to the New Zealanders?

Turnbull: No.

Obama: No?

Turnbull: Well, as little as possible. Because where's the advantage? I remember Keys sidled up to me once and said, 'Excuse me, but if you have a moment, do you think we could discuss the situation of New Zealanders detained at Christmas Island?', and I said to him, 'Mate, they're a bunch of rapists. What's there to talk about? And he said, 'Fair call'.

Obama: He's very agreeable like that.

Turnbull: Do you actually talk to the New Zealanders?

Obama: I'm actually very fond of John Keys. We play golf together. He's become a good friend, and an excellent caddy.

Turnbull: What do you talk about?

Obama: Well, it's complicated. It involves surveillance, very high-tech stuff, we're talking the NSA's XKeyscore system, and some of the FBI's top men, guys working out of Virginia.

Turnbull: Oh you mean this whole attempt to bust Kim Dotcom.

Obama: How did you know?

<strong>Obama:</strong> So do you actually talk to the New Zealanders?<strong>Turnbull:</strong> No. Photo / Getty Images

Turnbull: Well, it's a Hollywood operation, and you know what they're like. They can't keep a secret. Word got out ages ago that Hollywood put pressure on the US to bust Dotcom. At first we didn't believe it, we just thought it was a conspiracy theory, another one of those nutty things that Mel says.

Obama: Mel?

Turnbull: Gibson. But then we heard the same thing from Nicole, Cate, Hugh, Russell Crowe.

Obama: Russell Crowe's not Australian.

Turnbull: Bullshit. Course he is, and so are Crowded House, Phar Lap and Lorde. So what did Keys say when you told him about the big raid on Dotcom?

Obama: He was grovelling in a bunker at the time. He just said, 'Sure'.

Turnbull: He's very agreeable like that.

Obama: Yeah. The raid went well but the extradition has been pretty drawn-out. There's finally closing arguments at the court this week.

Turnbull: Have you got your top people to prosecute it?

Obama: No, we hired some New Zealanders.

Turnbull: Good luck with that.

Obama: I know, right? Oh, hell. He's coming over.

Turnbull: Who?

Obama: Keys.

Turnbull: He looks upset.

Obama: We're all grieving this week.

Turnbull: Paris. God almighty.

Obama: John! John, good to see you. You know Malcolm of course. How are you? Are you okay?

John Key: No. I've just had some bad news.

Obama: Is it about Dotcom? It better not be about Dotcom.

Key: It's about Richie. He's quit the All Blacks. He's stepped down. It's over. And you know what that means.

Obama: What does it mean?

Key: It means now it really is the end of the day.