Steve Braunias' Secret Diary of Breakfast TV

Rawdon Christie and Nadine Chalmers-Ross. Photo / Norrie Montgomery

MONDAY

Rawdon Christie: Well. So. Good morning, New Zealand!

Nadine Chalmers-Ross: Yeah.

Rawdon: I bet you're surprised to see us!

Nadine: We're surprised to be here.

Rawdon: That's right! Because as you may have read, we got the chop on Friday.

Nadine: Chop, chop.

Rawdon: They were good about it. They said, "Get out."

Nadine: Stay classy, TVNZ.

Rawdon: And then they phoned, and said, "There's a problem. We forgot that the new hosts, Jack Tame and Hilary Barry, don't actually start until next year."

Nadine: So here we are.

Rawdon: Good morning, New Zealand!

Nadine: Yeah.

TUESDAY

Kevin Kenrick, CEO of TVNZ: This is a shambles.

John Gillespie, head of TVNZ news and current affairs: It's not a complete disaster, but I agree it could have been handled differently. Of course it's easy to look at things retrospectively. The benefit of hindsight, and all that. But at the time, when you're in the thick of the action, the heat of the battle, you don't have time to review the consequences. You act, and you act fast, and decisively, with the best intentions.

Kenrick: This is a shambles.

Gillespie: A complete shambles.

Kenrick: We need to draft in temporary hosts, and we need to do it immediately.

Gillespie: There's no need for that. Rawdon and Nadine are good professionals. They'll do a solid job until the end of the year.

Kenrick: But it's not right. We gave them the chop. We took them out the back, and shot them. They didn't fall; we pushed them. Splattered them all over the pavement.

Gillespie: It doesn't show.

WEDNESDAY

Nadine: So. Anyway. Good morning, New Zealand.

Rawdon: Coming up on today's programme ...

Nadine: Some stuff.

Rawdon: I'm tired. Are you tired?

Nadine: Exhausted.

Rawdon: Same. Anyway. So. Later in the programme ...

Nadine: Some more stuff.

Rawdon (yawns): Yeah.

THURSDAY

John Gillespie: We need to draft in temporary hosts, and we need to do it immediately.

Keith Kenrick: I know a good place where you could look.

Gillespie: Where?

Kenrick: The bottom of the barrel.

Gillespie: I'll scrape it immediately. I'm sure to find an awesome couple.

FRIDAY

Boris Johnson: Haw, haw! So this chap calls, and says, "BoJo, fancy being host of Breakfast?" And I said, "Speaking of breakfast, I fancy some crumpet! Haw, haw!" But he didn't laugh. That's the problem with the colonies. No sense of humour. Same with the Turks. They can't take a joke, the Turks. Your average Turk, he's got a face like a wet week. Turkish delight? Not bloody likely. Well, as Britain's new Foreign Secretary, I ain't going to stand for it. I'll make them see the funny side of life in no time. And if it all falls flat, not to worry; the chap who called from New Zealand said he'd always leave the door open for a bloke like me. Don't worry, Theresa, I put in a good word for you, too.

Theresa May: How kind. One just doesn't know, does one, how long one will last as Prime Minister. So a back-up plan would be just the ticket. What did you say to them?

Boris: I said, "I ain't going nowhere without Theresa."

Theresa: How true.