Peter Bromhead: Hair apparent

Illustration / Peter Bromhead

The recent jocular spat between Winston Peters and Prime Minister John Key over who's been dunking their locks in Grecian 2000 has been noted with interest by this observer of such trifles.

For males, the giveaway is usually the hard-to-cover sideburn tideline. Just as the ocean's height depends on the phases of the moon, so silvery tidelines rise and fall, according to the frequency of the user's cosmetic whims.

I have a number of photos of prominent citizens in my little black book, in case I need to update their caricatures. Clearly, some appear to enhance their thatches, presumably in a desperate desire to deceive their fellow citizens that they're still wallowing in the fountain of youth.

I note that the Prime Minister joined my collection a couple of years ago and I guessed that, like many past leaders, he was reaching for the Grecian 2000.

However he has denied in Parliament that this is the case, making my cynical assumptions questionable.

On the basis that the Prime Minister would never lie to the House, this leaves only two options. He is either genuinely "greying at the temples", in the old-fashioned way that Somerset Maugham used to describe distinguished lantern-jawed literary heroes, or as one reporter darkly suggested recently, he's wearing a toupee.

I've dismissed this suggestion, on the basis that I've never seen the Prime Minister holding on to his hair when exiting a helicopter.

So perhaps the pressing affairs of state, like massaging our tiny brains over many months into sending troops to Iraq, or finding a solution that ensures we have an Auckland gambling den of the highest aesthetic standards, without further taxpayer funding, is enough to genuinely turn his temple hair silver-white.

In the meantime, who am I to slag off those who reach for the dye pot?

It's well known that for many years I've tried to make myself look much older by dyeing my remaining hair snow white.

The driving force behind my deceit is that I once read a thought-provoking column by Hugh Hefner, suggesting that "girls prefer older men". So, for decades I've dyed my hair white and cultivated a shuffling stoop.

Does my false appearance work with the opposite sex? Of course!

Otherwise, why would a charming young lady recently offer to help this bewildered old man cross a busy road?