There are a number of pressing issues confronting the Prime Minister, including the commencement of our month-long presidency of the United Nations Security Council and whether to support the Hurricanes or Highlanders in the Super Rugby final.
Let's return to the serious issues later and for the moment focus on the UN and the Middle East.
Foreign Minister McCully is a whisker away from securing peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians. He sees the glass as half full, and he's come with a big bottle of milk, though this should probably be purchased somewhere cheaper than New Zealand.
From there it's just a question of getting the two sides in the same room and round the same table.
Hard to see how this strategy could fail to bring peace to the region by the end of July, but to be on the safe side it's probably best he takes along some lamingtons and stick them, bang, on the middle of the table. Build those lamingtons into a wall between the delegations and watch them ravenously eat that wall away until there is no longer a wall, just a glass half full of peace-loving milk.
Speaking of food, it's important to establish a position on the hot topic du jour: putting peas in guacamole. Obama has opposed pea deployment, and that's probably the way to go, but Mr McCully could yet leverage the pea situation to kickstart the Middle East peace process, although they're probably keener on hummus than guacamole. Get Dave to poll it.
Speaking of milk, David Shearer is making a hell of a racket about the price of the stuff. Strongly recommend bouncing this one back at him. All this crying just shows he wants another crack at the Labour leadership and we'll call it the milk spill. Something like that. Get Dave to poll it.
Quick tip: Don't get in a sauna with David Farrier or his parrot.
Speaking of rackets, this social housing thing is a bit of a clustershack, certainly trickier than the Middle East row. Given that almost no one except a littleknown outfit from Australia seems keen to take the state houses off the Government's books, it may be time for some fresh thinking. What about a garage sale? Give a social house away with every ticket to the Super Rugby Final. Relocate them into SkyCity's Convention Centre, which is really, after all, just a big state house, and conveniently located for popular leisure activities, such as gambling, as well as dining options for all budgets, including Masu, Depot, and the Auckland City Mission. Alternatively, buy Greece and put the houses there. Or get TV3 to give them away in a wild new reality television format.
Quick tip: ease off on the toothy air-release after answering questions in Parliament. Sounds like a bouncy castle's sprung a leak.
It's important to establish a position on the Confederate flag and Brad Haddin and Phil Kearns and rickets. Speaking of wild, whatever it is you're sprinkling into Colin Craig's porridge, keep doing it. (Note to lawyers: we have no idea whether in fact Mr Colin takes porridge, nor whether anything has been sprinkled into it.) What a timely blessing that pantomime was. Similarly, carry on spiking New Zealand First's scotch. They might question your memory, Mr Key, but the collective inability to name the party's deputy leader is the boss of all brainfades.
While the Conservatives and NZ First lurch about, Act is in its best shape for a long time, with David Seymour the politician of last month for his principled stands on euthanasia legislation and the ham-fisted Harmful Digital Communications Bill, not to mention his new and ruthless kneecapping of would-be waka jumpers.
The danger, however, is that Act start looking like something other than a clownish mouthpiece for the super-wealthy, thereby depriving National of both votes and a colourful distraction. It might be time to give David another under-secretaryship with an even longer name that abbreviates into some horribly embarrassing acronym. Get Dave to poll it.
Quick tip: Pour scorn on the Opposition for being so scornful and oppositional and for all the terrible things they did as detailed in all these documents that by strange coincidence are wholly redacted.
It's important to establish a position on the leap second, the conjunction of Venus and Jupiter and the whole Isis dildo-banner thingamy.
Speaking of awkward flag matters, people seem more interested in the composite fibres of the new All Black jersey than they do in the new flag. (Mind you, people seem more interested in toenail fetishism than the new flag.) What about announcing in your capacity as All Black captain that the new flag will also be the new All Black jersey? Jackpot.
Speaking of rugby, data has just returned on Super 15 support. In World Cup year it is encouraging to see two dynamic New Zealand sides contest the final. At the end of the day it's clear these Hurrinders are on the cusp of something special.
