The bar has been lowered again. The criterion for launching a super mayoral campaign has been reinvented with the entry of Mr Rich Lister Tenby Powell, whose new candidacy criterion is that current Super Mayor hopeful John Banks is trailing in the polls.
This is great news. All I have to do to find a pretext for my own candidacy is find someone who is trailing someone else. Given the growing field this is getting easier each day.
Of course, the ballot paper will be a revised Auckland phone directory, which may create problems for everyone, except Mr Aardvark.
A good mayoral candidate can benefit from an array of well thought-out policies.
What is heartening is a pile of knee-jerk policies will do just as well. Once elected you don't have to do anything with your policies, but you may need good explanations as to why you aren't following them.
Once in office it's like a new start, people leave you alone to get on with it and any commitments you made are immediately null and void, much like commitments made by characters on Shortland Street.
So, in the interests of aiming cynically low, here are some straight-forward promises for my campaign.
1. Traffic. Congested roads are always an issue in Auckland, as is parking. New Zealand has imported a staggering 230 million cars every year since 2000, and most of them go through Parnell. Bold action is required. I promise to turn the Southern and Northern Motorways into parking facilities. Two problems solved in one go. No one will notice the difference and it means we can simply charge motorists for sitting on Spaghetti Junction in the morning.
2. All four wheel drives need to be banned from urban areas, and their owners placed in stocks in the Auckland Domain, covered in McDonald's barbecue sauce. This won't really solve anything but should have been done years ago.
3. There will be lots of opportunities for residents to have their say in the running of their city. I'm thinking here of petitions, protests, injunctions and court cases.
4. We need more. I think it's best not to be specific about this policy. We've worked hard, there's lots of us, things aren't working that well, so we want more. More is more, after all and this can be applied to roads, power, water, drains and money.
5. The most glaring election issue is Party Central. I think we all suspect that the venue will be stuffed full of foreigners and VIPs shutting out ordinary locals.
My view is if the Government is going to fund a free rave for rugby officials, Scots and French people then voters in Henderson also need their own do.
My proposal is to have Government-funded Party West, Party South, and Party East. No need to have a Party North as people in North Shore would rather have a tasteful barbecue.
So when you're looking at the ballot paper come September, vote for a mayor who shares your total lack of faith in his own promises.
<i>Sam Fisher</i>: Standing for a lack of faith in political promises
Turn the motorways into parking facilities. File photo / NZ Herald
Opinion
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