KEY POINTS:
Only the coldest of fish would have felt no twinge of sympathy for John and Helen this week. Charged with delivering their 'State of the Nation' speeches, each was unfortunately but inevitably compared with another gabble of politicians chasing higher stakes on a much bigger stage.
We've had screeds on-screen of late from the US primaries; a contest dominated by candidates assiduously stirring a plethora of platitudes into the melting pot of that great nation.
They all want to "make America great again". They all want to "build the love and rebuild the future", etcetera, etcetera, blah, blah, blah.
Sadly, our glorious leaders seem positively prosaic by comparison. Telling kids they'll have to stay at school till they're 18 or spend a year in boot camp is not the stuff of populist dementia. Inasmuch as both parties are offering a vision best described as Tough Nice, it's no surprise the rudderless masses have remained supremely indifferent.
But suppose there was a leader capable of blending New Zealand practicality with American rhetoric. Someone who could whip us all into an exultant frenzy.
Well, suppose no longer. For such a leader - half Superman, half Wonder Woman - does exist. And Clark Key, dynamic leader of the newly formed United New Zealand Green Maori First Party, will be making his election year speech, an inspired amalgam of common sense and vision, in Dargaville next week.
Better still, The Harold has secured a draft of that address (with notations) so read on and be amazed ...
"My fallow New Zealanders, Kiwis one and all, it gives me great pleasure. And that is all I will say on that matter. The love we share may begin in the boudoir but if it is to stir the loins of our great nation it must embrace the farthest shores of our most distant dairy farm. (Cue Applause.)
"People often ask me what I stand for. And that's a question which deserves a straight answer. And that is the answer I have given you. (More Applause.)
"Bring it on, I say. Together we can kick the carbon habit, even if that does mean keeping at-risk yoof in school until they're 37. This is the message I deliver in this vital year that lies ahead - at the end of the day, there will be a tomorrow and we must build that tomorrow together.
"We must plough the fields of despair and sow the seeds of hope. We must reap the harvest of ambition and bake the scones of destiny. (Cue massive banner wave.)
"We must don the crampons of courage that have served us so often so well. Where there's an Everest we must never rest until we stand at the top of the world in the bottom of the Pacific.
"For that is where we belong.
"Where there is darkness, we will bring light. And where there is lightness, we will bring more lightness, in the form of energy efficient bulbs. (Cue Musical Fanfare.)
"We will not sit idle while our devious opponents run around like headless cows polluting our pristine waterways. Let those who doubt Global Warming heed this Global Warning. It's boot camp for you, my friend - and extra sustainability lessons after school! (Cue Standing Ovation.)
"Some people say there's a drought in New Zealand. But we say there is only water that hasn't arrived yet. And we will bring that water. Where there is a drought of dreams, we will provide the irrigation of our vision.
"We will be soft when we have to be soft and firm when we have to be firm. Any government I lead will be a marshmallow with a backbone.
"And we will all be the better for that.
"A vote for United New Zealand Green Maori First is a vote for warm thinking and clear fuzzies. That is what New Zealand wants. And that is what we will deliver. We will water the fires of hope with a flood of good intentions, knowing full well the road those good intentions will take us.
"Down.
"In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, let us come together to work together to dream together. Let us make this the year we crush the Tinny Houses which flourish in Flatbush and blossom in Balmoral. You all know what tin makes. Tin makes a can. And we CAN crush the Tinnies. And we WILL crush the Tinnies. We CAN recycle hope. And we WILL recycle hope.
"I will not look backward as we go forward. I will take the tough steps that decent Kiwis demand. I pledge to you today, whatever the cost, my government WILL set up a crack Crack Unit in the Police Force to ensure, if anyone in a Tinny House ever flicks a child's ear, there'll be at least six officers on the spot before you can say Sue Bradford - which I know some people want to do.
"In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, let me quote again the words of another famous Kiwi: We will fight you on the beaches - or on the hills if they become the beaches because of rising sea levels. But we will never surrender.
"Unless we do."
