KEY POINTS:
William Congreve said more than 300 years ago: "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." This week those words came back to haunt National MP Tim Groser.
A former wife of Groser took umbrage at Paul Holmes' writing: "Tim's marriages have not been successful as he freely admits. He's had rather a tough time over the years. He says he has reached the point now that if he is attracted to a woman he has to assume there is something seriously wrong with her."
What the ex-Mrs Groser didn't consider, however, before she lashed out with allegations Groser smoked cannabis while he was ambassador to Jakarta in the mid-1990s, was that Groser was talking about the present tense. He did not include former wives in his wry observation so presumably they are fine.
But Groser did the decent thing and apologised to his ex, informing his leader, John Key, he never smoked dope when he was our man in Indonesia, a country with strict drug and alcohol laws.
He did admit to "using cannabis in my earlier life", adding he did not "claim to having led the full life of a choirboy when I was younger".
Groser, one of the nicest dressers in Parliament, does have a wee look of the choirboy, but he's no triller. Each morning, NZ farmers, before they pull on their gumboots and swear at the huntaway, should send up a silent prayer of thanks to Groser for his work as this country's ambassador to the World Trade Organisation.
In particular, Groser is credited with having trade rules extended to cover agriculture, something which benefits all Kiwis.
So why the fuss over a joint? Okay, it's against the law here too, but isn't it becoming a trifle tiresome the way the media get into lathers over the slightest misdemeanour committed by public figures?
The NZ Herald thundered if the allegations were true, and Groser did indeed smoke pot as a senior public servant, then it would almost certainly be the end of his political career.
Well, Groser could have pleaded diplomatic immunity, for starters. How many ambassadors in Muslim countries quaff alcohol?
But more importantly, are we all so pathetic we have to axe potentially good politicians - and many in Labour grudgingly concede Groser will be an excellent Cabinet minister - for trifling indiscretions which they don't deny and, as Groser stated, from which they've learned salutary lessons?
If we start taking this seriously, it could catch on. But there'd be no merit in ex-lovers spilling the beans about serious crimes, like signing art you didn't paint, or speeding through towns scattering peasants while travelling to rugby matches. No harm for a political career there.
No sin either, in encouraging investors to lose their money into dodgy tax-avoidance schemes, or using taxpayers' money to fund election campaigns disguised as policy announcements. That's not stealing when politicians do it.
No, the only way valkyries, and male equivalents, could bring down MPs they once loved would be by following Britain's example.
John Major, when still Prime Minister, was ridiculed for tucking his singlet into his y-fronts (a rumour said to be spread by Labour's spin-meister, Alastair Campbell).
In these egalitarian times, it's no longer non-u to hold your knife like a pencil or turn your fork upside down to scoop up peas, but you can still judge people by their underwear - or lack of it. In Parliament I saw braless MPs walking around preceded by what looked like two ferrets fighting in a sack, and pantyhose (as opposed to suspenders and stockings) are truly tragic. No self-respecting male should ever wear white singlets or gold-top socks, and any man who doesn't wear boxer shorts should be eliminated from political parties' lists.
Shaming politicians means exposing naff behaviour, like ordering pina coladas as a pre-dinner drink, drinking cappuccino after dinner, or wanting their steak well-done.
Unfairly, ex-wives are advantaged because they do more personal stuff in a marriage - soaking undies in nappy whitener to remove skid-marks, or washing dribble off the pillowcases. Women - those with smarts - don't allow men to get close up and personal, watching hair removal or intimate medical examinations. We're not coy, we know it may be taken down and used against us.
I'm told Groser's crushed. There are two lessons he can learn from this week's "scandal". Don't talk to Paul Holmes about marriage, and don't take it so personally. It's not that there's anything wrong with women who attract you, Tim, just that there's heaps wrong with anyone outside Parliament who feels romantically attracted to anyone with the letters MP after their name.
