KEY POINTS:
It was standing room-only last week at the National Party's caucus party. People love the winning side. High-class canapes, bubbly, scantily clad young women looking for socially acceptable partners, and not a karaoke machine within cooee (at least when I left to go to a drunken dinner with some Auckland legal reprobates).
As one press gallery colleague remarked, "All these people sniffing success - they're sure National will be the next government and they want jobs".
A totally different scene from the third floor of Parliament building six years ago, when the caucus room was virtually empty, except for John Carter singing New York, New York - and by the time he got to "it's up to you" the room was, indeed, vacant.
Today, the Nats' parties are so popular, MPs are only allowed to invite one guest each, and he or she must be related to their portfolio. Departing MP Katherine Rich asked me, and I figured this would be my last invite from the Tories so I accepted.
Caucus is indeed in good spirits and you can understand why, given this year's poll results.
But it reminds me of the nine months of a first pregnancy - you're so excited about this new role but when the baby arrives, what the hell do you do with it?
As Labour's desperation increases we'll see bundles of taxpayer money flung in every direction. Other than for purely political reasons, why else would Michael Cullen spend $700 million buying the trains and ferries to relieve pressure on Toll Holdings Ltd, an Australian transport company, but allow Toll to keep the highly profitable trucking business?
Did the Government think it could sneak that one past us? Not according to the outraged howls coming from New Zealand truckies lumbered with higher road-user charges the same day the Government owns KiwiRail.
I doubt Cullen would spend $700 of his own money on a model train set, so why should we be forced to spend $700 million trying to shore up three more years in BMW limousines for Labour ministers?
And it's cute of Cullen to say he'll get more freight off the roads. Just how will the heavy freight get to the nearest railhead? Cart-horse?
I don't know why I bother to care since it makes no difference. The New Zealand electorate has the memory of a goldfish and National won't dare re-privatise rail, despite the fact privatisation wasn't the issue, but to whom and how NZ Rail was sold by Ruth Richardson.
Those who knock privatisation should be consistent and insist the Government buys back Telecom, Government Print, THC hotels, and Air New Zealand (oh, that's right, it already did, no wonder my planes are always late). Nonetheless, there's still plenty of bureaucratic obesity John Key could take a tummy-tuck to.
For instance, last week I spotted a vacancy for an "Environmental Specialist" at Housing New Zealand. You need a relevant tertiary degree "or equivalent experience", so perhaps all those NCEA credits in picking up litter do come in handy.
If you're thinking of applying, be sure you can "think analytically while maintaining a strategic focus" and be prepared to be responsible for "building effective networks, establishing and maintaining strong, strategic relationships with key stakeholders", plus five pages of weasel words.
How much public money goes into this nonsense?
And if Sparc is planning to spend $5.5 million on a website, how much do other Government-funded bodies spend on their sites?
In fact, it's hard to imagine how to spend this much on a website. I should know, I've just spent the past week using WordPress to set up a free one (check it out www.redbankjames.co.nz - I've even started a blog. After slagging bloggers for so long I've admitted defeat and joined them.)
At least we've got Nicky Hager to amuse us. I've always misjudged Hager as someone who took himself too seriously but his latest "expose" is hilarious. If John Key had gone around the press gallery with releases headlined "National Uses Boris Johnson's Spin Doctors" the hacks would have yawned and asked for real news, like what colour hair dye National's backbench women use.
Breathless Hager, however, has found the sniff of a conspiracy. I look forward to more revelations, such as Boris' sister being named Rachel - isn't that a Biblical name? And wasn't John Key's mother a Holocaust survivor? Jewish conspiracy? I think we should be told.
