KEY POINTS:
I have always been fond of the hippos at Auckland Zoo. They have the kind of sedentary lifestyle I wish I could enjoy. They lie almost all day virtually fully submerged in giant baths, with only their eyes, nose and ears protruding, paddling gently about with an occasional yawn of contentment.
Happy to be fat, they eat heartily and reject all forms of vigorous exercise, although they may take a gentle trot along the bank if it is tucker time and they fear they may miss out.
When annoyed by someone they simply sink to the bottom of their muddy pool and stay there in blissful silence for 15 minutes or so until the nuisance goes away.
No doubt Faith, Fudge and Snorkel, the zoo's three hippopotamuses, are doing exactly that in the face of a peculiarly annoying assault from the Green Party's co-leader Russel Norman. Sadly, Norman shows no sign of going away, no matter how long the hippos remain submerged, as he seems to have finally wangled his way into Parliament, thanks to Nandor Tanczos' quitting.
As befits his newfound status of MP-in-waiting and protector of the environment, Norman last week launched a stinging attack on the hippos' bowel habits.
The zoo has received from the Ministry of the Environment a well-deserved Green Ribbon Award for its efforts to address environmental concerns. Norman is outraged.
It appears effluent from the hippo ponds and their wallow overflows into the aptly named Motions Creek and from there the suspended hippo solids and nutrients float lightly on the tide to nearby Cox's Bay where, horror of horrors, Norman tells us unsuspecting little Sea Scouts launch their craft into the hippo poo-tainted waters of the Waitemata Harbour.
"In this context, giving a Green Ribbon Award to a stream polluter is a farce," says a furious Norman.
Now, I am aware some of you may churlishly suggest that the world faces some slightly more severe environmental and ecological concerns than the discharge into a small Auckland creek of the poo from three sleepy Hippopotamus amphibius. Global warming, the melting of the polar icecaps, the removal of the Amazon rainforest, Third Word famine and genetic modification, however, must take a back seat for the time being because the Green Party obviously believes hippo doo-doo is the issue of the day.
It is vital the Green Party finds a single key issue to galvanise its potential support, as it did with its opposition to genetic engineering a couple of elections ago. It could win its biggest slice of the votes ever at the next election because it is a handy alternative for disillusioned Labour voters and a magnet for the youth.
Hippo crap is not that key issue.
I doubt if there is not a single voter north of Taupo who does not remember with affection their childhood visits to Auckland Zoo, an enjoyable trip repeated later in life with their own children and, eventually, their grandchildren. It is an iconic institution, much more so than Te Papa. It brings joy.
Over the years the zoo has struggled with its funding and its direction but over the past decade it has made huge advances in its administration, its displays and its handling of environmental issues.
I expect Norman to next criticise Sir Edmund Hillary as an environmental vandal for leaving that nasty carbon-based flag planted on the top of Everest.
The zoo is battling away with its limited funding, to try to address the problem of Faith, Fudge and Snorkel's sewage overflow. There is a delayed environmental management plan expected some time later this year.
The sad news is that the zoo seems to be waiting for poor old Snorkel to die, as it is her pool that is causing many of the problems. She needs her own separate pond. Aged over 50, apparently Snorkel is somewhat cranky and unsociable. Being of a similar age, I can sympathise with her - especially where Norman is concerned.
Born in Brisbane, a self-confessed political junkie, Norman has a PhD in politics and a long history here and in Australia of activist involvement in everything from organic farming to union issues and aboriginal land rights. He has embraced the Green movement with zeal, and is obviously a very hard-working young fogey. But he is no Rod Donald.
Donald understood the Green Party is a "big picture" party. Its brand is its vision and its global perspective but he also knew voters rely on the Greens tempering their principles with a measure of common sense.
Norman has yet to grasp that. Maybe he should get a life, commune with nature, go to the zoo and have a chat with Snorkel. If she surfaces.
