KEY POINTS:
Parliament is often a fairly crazy place, but this week some of its inmates appear to have scaled new heights of barking madness. There was the truly surreal sight of Gordon Copeland, Bishop Brian Tamaki, his party "co-leader" Richard Lewis, the long-lost Taito Phillip Field, and several walking dead from the old Future New Zealand Party having a very un-Christian brawl as they ended one party, started another party, then split it with defections and recriminations within 48 hours.
Here's the truly curious thing, for a bunch of Bible-thumping, fire-and-brimstone God-botherers they appear to have broken at least half of the 10 Commandments.
Copeland seems to have forgotten "Thou shall not tell porkies" when dealing with journalists from the press gallery. They all seem to be taking the Lord's name in vain to back their dubious claims, they are cheerfully trying to steal support from each other, and while they may not be coveting their neighbours' wives, houses or oxen, they are definitely very covetous of the votes neighbouring parties might attract.
Oh yes, and if Bishop Brian isn't making himself into an idol then I'm John the Baptist.
I have formed my own Church of the Holy Elector, I wish to be known henceforth as Cardinal Bill, and I am resurrecting a party I have tried to launch before. It is called the Tick Here Party. I am confident that more than 5 per cent of New Zealanders are stupid enough to tick a box labelled Tick Here and I fully expect to be in Parliament by the end of next year.
It was utterly absurd watching Copeland, who has been a complete waste of space in the House for the past five years, posturing as some kind of Moses ready to lead the nation's Christian community to the Promised Land of political power.
What lunatic thought it was possible to unite a religion that's been riven with rifts for 2000 years?
Let's take a conservative Catholic like Copeland, lump him in with a charismatic Pentecostal pulpit-pounder like Tamaki, biff in the Sallies, the Anglicans, and some of the Pacific Island churches, and form one, single united Christian political vehicle.
Most of these believers have been burning each other at the stake for centuries and it would be like expecting Sunnis and Shiites to form a coalition.
Of course, nuttiness is not confined to the minor parties. It seems to have spread through the Government and into its departments. National MP Anne Tolley raised the case of meat company Affco owing ACC a million bucks because one of its off-duty freezing workers was having a smoke in the company car park and was promptly shot by a gang member.
Unbelievably, ACC regards this as a work-related injury and wants the freezing company to fork out the loot.
Where in the wounded man's job description was the clause saying, "As directed, you will be required to wander off site and get blown away by a bunch of passing criminals"?
Believe it or not, the minister in charge, Ruth Dyson, staunchly defended the lunacy from ACC, and Affco has wearily resigned itself to going back into meditation knowing it would not get any sense out of Government.
Then National's John Key had an attack of common sense and suggested it was time disgraced former top cop Clint Rickards got the heave-ho from the police, and if that cost the department a bit of money it was preferable to having him hang around sullying the place.
Bear in mind Rickards is supposed to earn around $250,000 while on eternal suspension, plus he's just picked up a $50,000 new car.
Prime Minister Helen Clark was outraged and accused Key of being reckless with public money for suggesting a golden handshake.
Rickards has clearly brought the police into disrepute and should be booted out. I know New Zealand's employment law is an ass but I don't think he would be awarded very serious damages if he was sacked.
And has Helen Clark asked her Minister of Police why on Earth it has taken so long to put Rickards through a disciplinary process?
The man will be eligible for retirement before the cops get around to firing him.
While Clark is talking to Police Minister Annette King she might like to ask what madness has affected her investigators.
In the case of baby "Pumpkin", even Inspector Jacques Clouseau would have worked out the clues.
Man with a history of domestic violence flees the country, dumps baby in Melbourne, his wife is missing, what did he do with that sword we gave him back, and I wonder what's in the boot of his car sitting outside the empty family home?
Perhaps in her Cabinet reshuffle Helen Clark could make Gordon Copeland Minister of Police and ACC.
Then we would have all the nuttiness combined into one containable unit.
