Bevan Rapson: Baldies back with hair raising headline hogging

Chris Carter. Photo / Mark Mitchell

Two notably tiresome baldies were back in the news this week, polished noggins glinting in the television lights as they resumed their shameless attention-seeking.

First came word that chrome-domed MP Chris Carter plans a kiss-and-tell book published to coincide with next year's election.

His pronouncements on that topic and later when he finally stepped aside from the Labour candidacy in Te Atatu were as brittle and charmless as we've come to expect.

Then we had anti-whaler and cue ball-impersonator Pete Bethune embroiled in a feud with the conservation group Sea Shepherd.

The eco-activist looked as teeth-clenchingly intense as ever. Just watching him, an artery started pulsing in my temple.

Now, God forbid that we should get into stereotypes, but it's well known that bald people tend to be fine human beings. Truly.

It might be because their hair-loss inoculates them against vanity and its many debilitating effects. The hair-free tend not to waste too much time preening in front of the mirror.

But there are exceptions to any rule and, in this case, Carter and Bethune are shining examples. For those two, it's always about them.

It wasn't always that way for Carter, who first advanced as a faithful spear-carrier, building a political career around his friendship with Helen Clark. Lacking noticeable political charisma, he rode into cabinet on her coat-tails.

But when the immense gravitational pull of Planet Helen was removed, Carter spun out of orbit. "Earth to Chris", as they say.

Or, to switch to a more appropriate metaphor for a former chicken farmer, when the heat came on over travel spending, he reacted like a chook with his head cut off.

Lots of politicians have faced the proverbial blowtorch over expenses recently and lived to tell the tale. They took a hit, to varying degrees, and found a way to box on.

Not Carter, who provoked an unseemly media chase through parliamentary stairwells and, when demoted, made a farcical attempt at white-anting his leader. This week he once again blamed the fuss over his spending on homophobia.

The 58-year-old also complained that he "did not receive the support, advice or guidance I expected from my party leadership".

Six years as a cabinet minister, 14 years in parliament, all those years as an insider, and he wanted his hand held?

His statement went on to list his vast achievements and remark on the satisfaction he got from helping "so many". So much for convention of letting others sing your praises as you leave.

Bethune also seems to have tickets on himself. That was clear even when he first appeared as the man who would promote conservation by, um, racing a powerful speedboat around the globe.

That stunt had tragic consequences off Guatemala, when a fisherman was killed in a night collision.

Reason to call off the circumnavigation? Not in Bethune's eco-warrior world. The attempt failed anyway but Bethune finally set his world record the following year, presumably to the relief of coastal fishermen everywhere.

Then he crops up in Antarctic waters, strangely equipped with a bow and arrow, to help save whales. Cue another collision and the sinking of that weird-looking boat, which Bethune now says the organisation Sea Shepherd asked him to scuttle.

If that seems a lot like dumping your rubbish into pristine southern waters, Bethune's conservationist creed must not have regarded it that way.

Like a man in his own adventure movie, his next step was to board a Japanese ship where, predictably, he was arrested. During the saga of his incarceration and trial in Japan every story could have been headlined "Man gets attention he wanted".

His bitter falling out with Sea Shepherd this week was yet another drama with Pete Bethune in a starring role. But did it save a single whale?

Bethune calls Sea Shepherd "morally bankrupt"; the Sea Shepherd's and silver-maned Captain Paul Watson accuses Bethune of "betraying" the organisation in false testimony to the Japanese. Whatever the tawdry details of the row, haven't most of us long since lost patience with the Bethune circus?

For Carter and Bethune, the details of their stories are endlessly interesting. And you can see how their bullet-headed self-obsession is reinforced when they get news coverage. On a slow news day they might almost believe they are leading players in public life. But it's game of diminishing returns.

They should get over themselves, move on, do something useful. And if they're determined to keep making a spectacle of themselves, could they at least take the Martin Crowe option and get fitted for a rug? They're letting the side down.