Tracey Barnett: The idea is to pass the ball

Why, Key Aura, Mr American Ambassador. Welcome to New Zealand from one Portland, Oregon expat to another.

Trust me, you'll love it here in the land of the long white mushroom-free cloud. The people here are wonderful. Don't be discouraged in your first week by the Prime Minister applying the brakes on a comprehensive dialogue with the United States.

Perhaps your opening suggestion that the ball is in your court on nuclear policy just stirred up her dislike of political sports analogies.

You were thinking basketball. She's thinking netball. Perfectly understandable.

It is tough to play with the nuance of diplomacy when we're so damn big and powerful. They may have created King Kong in New Zealand but Kiwis certainly don't let Peter Jackson determine political policy.

If we start crashing through the streets of Wellington with ape-sized footprints, the natives are certain to run for the Beehive.

Trust me, Helen Clark is a lot more formidable than a pint-sized Naomi Watts. Have you ever seen her running late for a rugby match?

But don't be deterred. Look, when a woman MP says no new talks, we all know she means yes, yes, yes. That is the beauty of our American foreign policy. One must play with the ambiguities.

Let's be honest, the language of politics is entirely different than at home. We know that Clinton was nicknamed Bubba and George Dubya has been dubbed Shrub, but we can't expect Kiwis to learn our subtitles right off the bat. It goes both ways. Mr Peters may not always smile for photos but that doesn't mean he isn't happy to sit next to you.

Isn't diplomacy like interpretative dance anyway? Just keep waving your arms and pirouetting about the world scene and others are bound to join in your invasions. Okay, so maybe Iraq didn't elicit a haka here but there are hints New Zealand might join America for a pas de deux with additional New Zealand troops in Afghanistan.

Far be it from me to instigate yet another sports motif, but maybe the Prime Minister is considering our basketball ways after all.

We don't see it as playing with human lives - we see it as passing the ball.

What's more, Mr Ambassador, it's a sign of your magnanimity that you respect New Zealand's nuclear-free policy. But don't underestimate how effective a few glowing comments can be in winning over Kiwi hearts and minds. The beauty of this country is that it is so small you can have everyone over to the Ambassador's residence for a cuppa and some ginger crunch, and before you know it Stewart Island could be the new Guantanamo Downunder.

I know you understand you hold a great responsibility in your large hands. Let's face it, we have so much to teach these good people.

They've missed the compelling drama of the Iraqi war, the excitement of terrorist capture on one's home ground, sucking new governments out of a vacuum of power - it is the stuff of legend or Peter Jackson movies, our new common ground.

With some diplomatic finesse and mutual respect, think of the possibilities for both countries. Our hiccup has always been our disparate size and assumed balance of power.

There has always been a great affection between our people. I mean, when King Kong lifts up Naomi Watts in the palm of his hand and they finally see eye to eye, who's to say which one holds the most power in the end anyway?

Maybe we should start from there.

* Tracey Barnett is an American journalist working in Auckland.