Jim Hopkins: Upon reflection of my first Private Member's Bill

Sept 18

Dear diary ... Gosh, I'm sooooo excited! Although I'm trying to be nonchalant about everything, I only yelled out "Whoopee! I'm an MP!" once at the Pak'n Save. And I don't think many people heard me. Apart from Mrs Bustle but she wants Keith Locke to lead a Nude Fun Run for Victims of Imperialism so I don't think anyone would believe her.

Besides, why shouldn't I shout for joy? It's not every day you get elected to Parliament. Just think. The future of the country is in my hands. Perhaps I should get a manicure. Being the voice of the "alternative" mainstream doesn't mean I have to neglect my cuticles.

Sept 20

Off to Parliament today. It was really exciting on the plane getting an extra lolly and everything. I didn't tell them I was a new MP but I think they knew. One man stared at me a bit strangely and said, "At least you didn't hold us up!" but he looked like a Brethren so I just ignored him.

Maybe I could pass one of those Private Member's Bills banning bullying on an Airbus? If we're going to abolish smacking, we should certainly abolish sneering first. Especially when it's done in a derisory manner.

Sept 21

What a wonderful day! My first trip up the steps of Parliament - well, apart from the time we went for social studies at school but I had food poisoning then and vomited over the balcony in the public gallery.

Fortunately I didn't hit anyone important although I wouldn't want it to happen during my maiden speech, that's for sure. If Pita Sharples is allowed to wear shells, perhaps they'll let me wear a hat, just in case.

Sept 21 (later)

Oh dear! I may have damaged my chances of playing a leading role in any of the coalition talks that seem to be going on everywhere - even in the lavatories! It all happened when I was walking down the corridor and the first person I saw was Thaito Phillip Field - I think he's called Thaito because of all the tireless work he does for refugees - especially those who do tireless work for him. But I can't be sure.

Anyway, I told him it was very nice the way he was income splitting with his wife, even though that was a United Future policy and not supported by his party. I said it was super to see MPs co-operating but Mr Thaito must have misunderstood me because he went very red and yelled, "It's all lies. You're just out to get me! Well, it won't work. This is not Britain, you know. Cabinet ministers don't resign here!"

Then he stormed off, muttering something about the whole thing being a plot to undermine him so John Tamihere could get back into Parliament. It obviously doesn't pay to be friendly.

Sept 23

Gosh, I'm a duffer. And a silly billy. This time it was in Bellamys where I was at a table next to Don Brash and Mrs Tariana Turia who were having a secret discussion. I couldn't hear everything, but I was shocked beyond words when Mrs Turia whispered, "Tell me again how exciting it's going to be if we get into bed with each other."

Look, I'm as broadminded as the next former Miss Organic Produce at the A&P Show and I know power is the ultimate aphrodisiac but this was too much. So I rang Parliamentary Services and asked if I should advise Mr Turia and Mrs Brash of this flagrant dalliance being conducted beneath their unwitting gaze.

Do you know, diary, the rude man I talked to just couldn't stop laughing! I think we might need a Private Member's Bill about that as well! If we're going to abolish smacking and smoking, we should certainly abolish sniggering first. Especially when it's done in a derogatory manner.

Sept 25

More shocks today, this time at caucus. I'd just started explaining to the other MPs how important it was to have good feng shui in their offices when a man rushed in, yelling, "Some idiot's put his dog on the roll!"

What a silly thing to do! I mean, just because there are loopholes doesn't mean you have to exploit them. This might tarnish the whole result. People might start thinking, "Gee whiz, if it's that easy to fiddle the roll, maybe other people did it too. Or even the parties!"

That would be awful. I couldn't bear it if democracy became a joke just when I'd got here. Personally, I think they should teach that man a lesson! They should cancel his dog licence and put the wee jack russell in foster care. That would send a clear signal to anyone who's tampered with the ballot box.

Still, I'm sure no dogs voted for me. I don't think so, anyway. And if they did, they would've weighed up the options carefully. I sometimes think the world would be a better place if animals had the vote and people didn't.

Perhaps I should make that my Private Member's Bill. But who would support me? No one seems interested. I think this is going to be a much darker journey than I imagined.