Peter Bromhead: Life after death

Illustration / Peter Bromhead

Producing a cartoon was easier than usual for me recently, because the topic was the disposal of crematorium ashes and I was able to borrow an idea already stipulated in my will.

Readers will be aware the Auckland City Council is toying with introducing a bylaw aimed at preventing people disposing of their loved ones' ashes according to their wishes - that is, without civic authority.

In the usual way officialdom approaches these things, this will involve form filling and creating another opportunity for the council to clip the ticket of long-suffering ratepayers.

But this won't be a problem for me. Having been condemned to a lifetime of slavery in the newspaper industry, I'm resigned to working until the day I croak.

The question is, how do I continue to perform some useful task once I've snuffed it?

My earlier thinking focused on the obvious - turning my remains into compost. But that's a short-term solution, because once the worms have done their work, my usefulness will become marginal.

After considerable thought, and wishing to stay productive, I've decided my ashes should be sealed in a glass egg timer, so my loved ones can keep me slaving away in a useful occupation.

Believing this concept might also create a solution to the council's concerns, I'm now evaluating the commercial options for mass producing egg-timer containers as the obvious solution for holding ratepayers' ashes.

Naturally, the design would have to reflect the dignity and respect expected for something that contains one's remains. I'm reviewing moulded plastic options from China that cleverly simulate the appearance of real wood, with mock brass embellishments and a nameplate that can be inscribed. After all, it's important to note for perpetuity who it is timing the eggs.

Ratepayers will be reassured to learn that my proposed containers will also be technically advanced, with microchips and plug-in chargers built into the base.

This offers the opportunity for the departed to pre-record pertinent messages, to be delivered as their beloved offspring are waiting for their breakfast eggs, such as, "have you done your homework?" or "don't forget to brush your teeth!" and "for God's sake, get off your bloody mobile and set the table!"

Hopefully, my container idea will become well established and profitable by mid-century - shame I'll be too busy timing eggs to enjoy the benefits.