Peter Bromhead: Flagging it

"What you need to focus on is modern, everyday Kiwi symbols we can all identify with!" Illustration / Peter Bromhead

I've just concluded another positive meeting with my design team, recently commissioned to create flag bunting appropriate for a nation anxious to rid itself of the symbolic shackles of Mother England.

Naturally, when my lackeys come up with a successful new ensign, suitable to wave on state occasions such as All Black test matches, I will take full credit for their efforts.

I'll gracefully accept the trappings of knighthood that I assume would be an appropriate reward for creating a fresh, innovative image we are all willing to die under.

As a hard taskmaster, I've made it clear that any designs featuring black backgrounds and silver ferns are likely to be mistaken for the banner of Middle Eastern desperados and could result in uncertain conclusions, particularly when viewed from aloft by a passing heavily armed drone.

I've also rejected designs that feature a flightless and now seriously endangered bird.

This is a mark of respect to future generations of Kiwis, who might find the irony of living under the image of something approaching extinction a trifle too close to the bone - especially as endless hordes of new arrivals continue gobbling up what's left of the nation's housing stock.

I'm also not keen on anything koru shaped or vaguely curvy that might suggest a tsunami, because history suggests that geologically, it's only a matter of time before another giant wall of water inundates our shores.

I don't think the nation needs a constant depressing reminder of nature's power waving from our rooftop flagpoles.

So, with koru shapes, flightless birds and silver ferns out of the picture, where does that leave my wannabe flag designers, still struggling to come up with something original?

When my team leader meekly suggested something involving four stars, I swiftly reminded him that New Zealand's growing light pollution problem, particularly in the cities, is making it difficult even to be aware that the Southern Cross exists in the night sky.

"What you need to focus on is modern, everyday Kiwi symbols we can all identify with!" I suggested, simplifying the problem.

"You mean, like Colonel Sanders, or the Golden Arches or even the Four Square Man?" responded my design team.

"Now you're cooking on gas," I enthusiastically cried.

"Wrap up all those symbols in one design and you'll give this grateful nation a flag we can all feel comfortable with."