KEY POINTS:
A Families Commission study has found that the traditional pattern of the children of separated parents seeing dad only every second weekend may cause the most distress.
The study found children were better off if they either see both parents a lot or barely see one parent at all.
And study author Jan Pryor says that pattern is changing, as both mothers and fathers realise their children need to have ongoing close relationships with both parents.
"I think that default of every-other-weekend is disappearing to some extent," she said.
"There is good research that shows that is about the worst thing you can do to kids, particularly young children."
The study is based on in-depth interviews with 39 separated parents from 31 New Zealand families, including eight where both parents were interviewed.
It is the first stage of a mammoth project the Inland Revenue Department has invited 10,000 separated parents to take part in. About 1600 parents have responded, with results due out early next year.
A third (10) of the 31 initial families shared care of the children, with both having them for at least 30 per cent of the time.
This is a much bigger proportion than similar studies in Australia, which have found the number of separated families where both parents have the children at least 30 per cent of the time has risen from 4 per cent in 1999 to 10 per cent in 2006.
Another 12 of the New Zealand families had arrangements where the non-resident parent has the children at least every second weekend, and nine had less frequent arrangements.
However, the initial study is believed to be a biased sample because the parents were found through reports in the Herald and the Dominion Post seeking separated parents who had made arrangements for their children without going to the Family Court.
Only about 20 per cent of separating parents go to the Family Court, and only about 5 per cent end up getting formal parenting orders.
About half of all New Zealand children are believed to be affected by parental separation, including 20 per cent whose parents separate before the child's first birthday.
The clinical manager of Man Alive in Henderson, Jim Heays, was one of the 39 parents interviewed and said he learned to be more involved when he went through his second separation 13 years ago.
"I've been through this twice. My older kids are now in their early 30s," he said.
"I made a lot of mistakes that time around. There was a lot of emotion flying at that time, and a lot of hurt and stuff that you have to work through, so the kids often came second-best."
With those children, and with the son of his second marriage William, now 14, he initially agreed to have the children every second weekend.
This year the arrangement has swapped over and he now has William with him in Auckland for the sake of his schooling, and William goes back to his mother in Northland every second weekend.
Dr Pryor said the evidence internationally was that what mattered for children was stability, regardless of whether it was with one parent or two.
"There is a very good study from the States showing that if kids saw their father weekly or more often they were in good shape, and if they saw him not very often they were in good shape, but if they saw him only once or twice a month they were not," she said.
"Particularly for younger children, 12 days is a long time, and then they just get to know that non-resident parent for two days and have to go back again."
She suggested the Government should offer relationship counselling to parents soon after they had children, perhaps when babies get their first immunisation at six weeks.
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