Parents Moe and Michelle have lost both sons Jake and Kalvin Hamilton when they died in car accidents one year apart. Video / Dean Purcell
It's the sort of anguish that most parents would find unfathomable. One year ago, Moe Hamilton and Michelle Toura's oldest son, Jake, was taken off life support days after a car crash in West Auckland.
Then on September 19, as the family was still grappling with the grief on the one-year anniversary of Jake's death, the parents were dealt another blow. Their only other child had also died in a crash.
Kalvin Hamilton, 21, was the only person in the single-car crash in Mt Roskill, behind the wheel of a speeding BMW that had been passed down from the brother he idolised.
"He really struggled with losing Jake. He wasn't the same boy any more," Toura told the Herald this week, one day after burying their youngest son in a plot next to their oldest.
"He carried a lot of pain and hurt. He didn't know how to express to us his pain."
The couple have decided to share their painful story in the hope that it might help others who find themselves in similar situations, especially families struggling with mental health.
Moe Hamilton and Michelle Toura hold photos of their two sons, Jake (left) and Kalvin Hamilton. Kalvin died in a single-car crash one year after his older brother. Photo / Dean Purcell
Battling demons
Jake Hamilton was just a month shy of his 24th birthday when he was declared brain dead last year. His family decided to donate his organs, allowing him to help others as his last act.
The popular Avondale College alumni had worked with his father as a water technician for six years after graduation and was known for being a car enthusiast and a "go-getter" with an entrepreneurial spirit. Good at saving money, he had collected and fixed up several cars.
Kalvin was two years behind his brother at Avondale College and eventually went to work with his father as well. At his funeral this week, which was limited to a small group because of Auckland's continuing Covid-19 lockdown, he was described as a "quiet soul" who loved kickboxing and was rarely seen angry.
Like many brothers, the two had distinct personalities and struggles. One of Jake's struggles had long been mental health.
Kalvin Hamilton died on September 19, after a single-car crash in Auckland, one year after his older brother's fatal crash. Photo / Supplied
The family worked together to seek solutions. He received mental health services in New Lynn and, for a while, a prescription to help him cope. He later decided he preferred more natural remedies like St John's wort, and he went to the gym six days a week to keep occupied.
"Kalvin didn't have many friends, and after his brother, who was his main idol, passed away, he reached out [for help] and had four good friends," his father recalled.
"He was still struggling.
"He said he was battling demons in his head."
Next, the father introduced his son to church. They were baptised together at Church Unlimited West Auckland, and the pastors would stop by twice a week to pray with them and bless the house. Things seemed to be on the up, Kalvin's parents said. But then he took a job cleaning city streets overnight, and they believe it made him start to feel more isolated again.
"At times when we were in bed it sounded like he was beating up his bed," his father recalled, explaining that he'd find holes in the wall and overhear his son saying, "Shut up! F*** off."
"Near the end," his father said, "it was getting worse."
But they stumbled through a rough, painful year, and as the anniversary approached they hoped the hardest part had passed. They hoped their surviving son's spiral would start to straighten out.
A makeshift memorial for Jake Hamilton, who died in September 2020, hangs in the Auckland home of parents Moe Hamilton and Michelle Toura. Photo / Dean Purcell
'Thank God no one else hurt'
When Jake died, his parents were left with a BMW he had been fixing up worth about $10,000. The money could have been sorely used for the family, whose run-down rental home in Grey Lynn is without heat pumps or insulation.
But they decided to put the car in storage, with the idea of eventually giving it to Kalvin to remember his brother by when they felt he was responsible enough to own it. They gave it to him in March, on his 21st birthday.
On the eve of the first anniversary of Jake's death, Kalvin's friends took him out drinking. The parents weren't excited about the idea but they were glad he was with friends, and they made the friends promise to drive him home. They made good on the promise, with him coming home early the next morning.
"I heard him come in and take something out of his room and then his car started," Kalvin's father recounted, explaining that he then heard the BMW that had belonged to his sons idling in the roadway for a while.
"I was thinking about calling police. I had never done that before."
Instead, the parents sent him a text: "I love you. Food's here. Come back."
Police were called to Dominion Rd in Mt Roskill around 1.30am, after a crash so loud that one awakened resident thought a plane had crashed. Debris was strewn across several properties.
Police later told the parents they believe the car was going at least 240km/h at one point. The car lost control after going over a bump that sent him airborne, his parents believe.
"I'm thanking God no one else was hurt," Kalvin's father said.
Perhaps Kalvin was blowing off steam that morning as the weight of the anniversary hit him, and it caused him to act impulsively and recklessly, but his father thinks the crash was a tragic accident caused by speed.
"Maybe he was just thrashing his car around to get his frustration out," his father said. "His mother and I had talked to him: 'We don't want you to do anything because we're really going to hurt'. He knew how we'd feel."
Fences were wrecked and a local resident's window damaged when a crash in Mount Roskill on September 19 sent debris hurtling into the property. Photo / Dean Purcell
Reaching out
In a way, the death of their eldest son was easier, Moe and Michelle say.
They were able to talk to him while on life support, making his death days later less sudden. And he had an army of friends who reached out to help.
Although they don't think Kalvin's death was intentional, there's no question that mental health issues played into the situation, they said.
"He really made an effort," his father said. "Whatever it was was too strong inside him."
Moe Hamilton shares memories of sons Jake and Kalvin Hamilton, who died in car crashes one year apart. Photo / Dean Purcell
Towards the end, as the lockdown isolated everyone in Auckland, they asked people to stop by and interact with their son and create more activity in his life.
"I reached out to all the cousins - all Michelle's whānau and all my whānau," Moe Hamilton said.
And that's what they want to relay to others.
New Zealand's mental health system was good for their son, they said. But they wished they could have reached out more to their son, and they want to encourage others in similar situations to stay vigilant.
"Just be there for them, and take note of unusual things they do and report that to whoever is a higher power than yourself," Moe Hamilton said.
A roadside memorial to Jake Hamilton, which his family dedicated just days before little brother Kalvin Hamilton died in another car crash. Photo / Supplied
"If they're not sure, they should contact somebody who is more knowledgable. Just call mental health [services] and they will guide you along."
As the couple sat on their living room sofa this week, still shell-shocked, they repeated an oath Moe had given at their son's funeral one day earlier.
"We will be sharing our love and knowledge with those who need support like Kalvin did, no matter what."
A Givealittle fund has been set up to help pay for funeral arrangements and other costs resulting from their youngest son's death.
Looking for support? It's available • Call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor • Call PlunketLine 24/7 on 0800 933 922 • Depression helpline: Freephone 0800 111 757 • Healthline: 0800 611 116 (available 24 hours, 7 days a week and free to callers throughout New Zealand, including from a mobile phone) • Lifeline: 0800 543 35 • Sexual assault HELP 04 801 6655
