“I wasn’t that sort of person ... everything that happened in the home, stayed in the home”.
Tamara said she was not okay with her son staying at her ex-partner’s house, but believed it was the lesser of two evils as she feared he would take both children if she didn’t leave her son with him.
“To try to avoid what ultimately happened, I had to agree to let my son be there.
“You’ve got to realise, when you’re battling with someone who is so controlling, you don’t really have a say.”
Rachel Kain, of domestic violence victim support agency Shine, told the Herald when people leave abusive relationships, they often have to make difficult decisions, such as not taking all their children with them.
“People who use violence will often use our systems to further their abuse, whether that’s justice, child protection, health. And quite often they do that by presenting themselves as the victim and I think there are these really ingrained myths in society that support that, you know, that women are manipulative liars.”
When these relationships end, Kain said, children were often weaponised.
A psychiatrist’s report provided by the woman to the Herald on Sunday noted the alleged abuse she faced from her former partner was emotional, physical, mental and sexual.
A mental health report from her counsellor said Tamara’s relationship with her ex was characterised by “persistent” abuse.
Tamara told the Herald the co-parenting relationship became strained after a tense altercation at his house where she alleged he pulled her hair, and she used keys to defend herself.
She was charged with assaulting him but was later granted a discharge without conviction.
“It was just unbelievable.”
From there, she said her access to the children was restricted by Oranga Tamariki.
“No one would listen, and who do you go to? Who do you turn to? You don’t have any money.
“I was screwed, I had nothing, I had nowhere to go.”
It took several years of fighting to get her daughter back, a period where the mother said she was “distraught and broken” and always wanting to know what the daughter was doing.
Oranga Tamariki wrote to the mother in April to “comprehensively and sincerely apologise for the failings in our involvement with your family”.
In its apology, which came after the Chief Ombudsman found the agency conducted incomplete assessments on the matter, Oranga Tamariki admitted its evaluations were unbalanced, incomplete and, therefore, fundamentally flawed.
“Our assessments of [the father] were inconsistent, appeared reactive in the face of changing circumstances, and did not focus on identifying a wider context that the children’s needs were being appropriately met.”
It noted its evaluation of the mother was “incomplete and lacked the necessary impartiality”.
After an incident at the father’s house the children were then put in Oranga Tamariki care.
Service delivery chief executive Rachel Leota told the Herald that Oranga Tamariki had sincerely apologised to the mother for failings in its involvement with her family.
“There were gaps in our practice that caused [the woman] unnecessary harm. We have taken responsibility for those failings.”
Leota said it was aware of the father’s historic attempted murder conviction and had done a background check on his new partner.
The check was done a month after the girl was placed with the father.
“Before granting a custody order to remove a child the Family Court must be satisfied that the harm or risk of the harm requires this action and that no other alternatives will ensure safety for the child or young person.”
In offering the ex-gratia payment, Oranga Tamariki acting chief executive Phil Grady apologised for the lengthy delays and poor communication the mother had experienced from the agency.
“This was unfair to you and I am sorry for the distress it caused. As acting chief executive of Oranga Tamariki, I acknowledge we should have done better.”
The agency told the Herald on Sunday it was unable to comment on the offer but said individuals had the right to seek a review from the ombudsman.
A spokesperson for Children’s Minister Kelvin Davis told the Herald he had high expectations of Oranga Tamariki and it was clear the agency could have done much better in this case.
National’s family violence prevention spokeswoman, Louise Upston, said Oranga Tamariki had failed in its “most basic duty, which is of ensuring the children in their care are safe”.
She said the situation was “just not good enough” and it seemed that when it came to remedying its actions there was “no sense of urgency”.
Tamara said she tried everything to raise the alarm about the custody situation including contacting politicians and Oranga Tamariki’s chief executive at the time, but says no one believed her.
“It just made you feel sad and desperate, because who else do you turn to? Not desperate enough to do anything stupid but just desperate enough to think, ‘who do you turn to?’ ”
Tamara still feels bereaved for the time she was separated from her children and said she no longer trusted anyone.
“I don’t have any faith in the police, I don’t have any faith in our judicial system and I don’t have any faith in our Family Court system or our Oranga Tamariki system.”
Katie Harris is an Auckland-based journalist who covers social issues including sexual assault, workplace misconduct, crime and justice. She joined the Herald in 2020.
