OPINION: That shiny thing is asking for trouble

SHIMMERING SVENGALI: The Ascension sculpture in Masterton is a shiny thing just asking for trouble, says Mike.

Maybe it's because I'm attracted to bright shiny objects that I first thought the Neil Dawson sculpture Ascension would be a great idea for the northern roundabout in Masterton.

Subsequently, however, a mountain of evidence shows it's a flawed idea and a number of practicalities haven't been properly considered. Are we surprised? Do the people at Aratoi really have such a tenuous grip on reality?

First up, of course, is the cost. $286,000 could buy the people of Masterton a feast of Happy Meals.

Is this the best price? Has there been any haggling? "If you left off the sticky-out bits could we get it for under 250?"

It doesn't work that way with art though does it, as it would 'compromise the integrity of the work'. However, given that way back in 1973 the Aussies paid A$1.3 million for Blue Poles by Jackson Pollock, this could well be a bargain.

The road carnage is a definite issue. Drivers transfixed by this siren will generate more banging and crashing than you'd see on a good night at Te Marua.

Maybe it's not all bad. Think of the boon for local businesses as holed-up tourists spend their Eurodollars awaiting the straightening out of their campervans.

Reflections off the sculpture will be hazardous. Drivers resolute enough to not get distracted by this shimmering svengali will still lose control as they get dazzled by sun rays sent askew from the multifaceted one. More carnage. And I don't think anyone has yet exposed the very real risk of the reflections triggering epileptic seizures.

Some people might not have noticed that Ascension is an elongated marquise with twin spiral vortex generators. In other words, it's an energy concentrator of the type favoured by alien beings.

Also, it is positioned on a ley line extending from Stonehenge Aotearoa at Ponatahi to the Eketahuna Kiwi. This is asking for trouble. Alien abductions? That's just for starters. Don't do it, Masterton.

How about a clock? What the world needs is another municipal clock.

How about a calendar? People in Masterton really want to know what day it is.

Save a heap of dosh, get a couple of bags of ReadyMix, pour them into a hole then scratch out an inscription with number 8 wire. "Here lies all hope of art, excellence and imagination. Buried, forever."