Neville and Tracy Rockhouse cannot face a return to Pike River this year to commemorate the anniversary of the death of Neville's son Ben Rockhouse. Photo / Martin Hunter
Neville Rockhouse lost his son, Ben, in the Pike River mine explosion that claimed 29 lives. Now he fears he is losing his second son, Daniel.
They gathered, again, to remember their loved ones. Four years on, the deaths of 29 fathers, brothers and sons is still raw. For some, there is still anger.
For others, the tragedy has taken a toll on relationships and attempts to rebuild lives. Some have found a kind of peace; at least as much as one can find in the throes of mourning such horror.
They came together on Wednesday, more than 100 family members and friends of the miners and contractors who lost their lives when the Pike River mine exploded.
But there was one face missing.
Neville Rockhouse, the mine's former safety and training manager - whose youngest son Ben, 21, remains entombed inside - could not face it.
Instead of heading to the West Coast, he commemorated Ben's short life in his new base in Christchurch.
After a hellish 48 months, the 56-year-old said his heart was too heavy to cope with the "tsunami" of emotions of returning to Pike River.
As well as losing Ben, he has watched on as the life of his 28-year-old son Daniel - one of just two survivors - has unravelled. And Neville has farewelled his father, Ray (Rocky), who died of a heart attack just hours after the November 19, 2010, explosion.
He has seen his professional reputation put through the wringer and is nursing his wife Tracy through her battle with cancer.
And, like all other families of the Pike River 29, he has endured the four-year roller-coaster of emotions linked with the long-mooted, but now abandoned, re-entry of the mine.
"While I respect all the people that died, standing there at the moment of the explosion and reflecting on the moment they all died, I am not going to do that this year. It just brings everything flooding back ... the memories, the grief, the sorrow, the sadness ... and it is like a tsunami and it screws you up for weeks and weeks and weeks."
The Rockhouses and 28 other families had their lives turned upside down by the mining tragedy.
When extended families, in-laws and friends of the dead men are added to the mix, Rockhouse said the number of people affected was "mind-boggling".
So, too, was the magnitude of the emotional turmoil. Some families had become unified by their grief, others have fallen apart.
"Physically, mentally and emotionally, stress levels have been so huge. Because there has been no accountability, there has been no justice. It has ripped people to pieces mentally ... with breakdowns."
Eleven months ago, in sentencing former miner Joshua Murray Jackson on drug dealing charges, Judge Philip Moran acknowledged that the 27-year-old's slide into criminal activity stemmed back to Pike River.
"You worked in that mine, and the 29 men killed were friends of yours," Moran told the Christchurch District Court. "You couldn't get your head around the fact that you weren't at the coalface that day, and why should you survive when they all died. You took refuge in drug use and that is what leads you here today."
Rockhouse himself is no shrinking violet. Like so many other West Coasters, resilience and independence pump proudly through his veins. But some of that life-force has been spent by Pike River.
He intends to continue giving work-place health and safety seminars detailing the failings at Pike River and the catastrophic damage they caused, but Rockhouse says this is to be his last lengthy interview about the human cost of the tragedy.
After four years, he says it is time to step back "for my own mental health and the mental health of my family".
There are times when Rockhouse fears Pike River has cost him two sons.
Ben Rockhouse. Photo / Family Sourced
Ben was deep inside the mine, working with crew-mates mapping out the rich coal resource - estimated to be worth $5 billion-$7 billion - when a massive explosion ripped through it at 3.44pm.
His older brother, Daniel, was about 1km into the mine when methane gas ignited. He was instantly blown off his feet and into one of the imposing rock walls inside Pike River.
Then aged 24, he battled potentially deadly carbon monoxide fumes to limp and crawl to the mine's exit, along the way helping fellow survivor Russell Smith to his feet and bravely carrying him to safety.
Neville Rockhouse made it to the mine's portal within 10 minutes of his son's miracle arrival.
Four years on, Daniel, who now works at a coal mine about 60km from the coastal New South Wales city of Newcastle, is still battling his own demons.
In July last year he gave a spine-chilling insight into his pained existence while reading his victim impact statement during the sentencing of Pike River Coal Ltd (in receivership) on nine health and safety-related charges.
"I should have died on that day and I wish that I had," he said. "This tragedy has left me feeling tremendous guilt for not being able to help others and questioning why I survive."
A heartbroken Daniel told of how his marriage to Sarah - who was six months' pregnant at the time of the tragedy - had "collapsed" and she had returned to Germany with their children.
His relationship with his father has also collapsed after Neville and Tracy tried to reconcile the couple.
"Daniel hasn't spoken to me for several months. I have rung him and left messages for him but he has never responded," Neville Rockhouse confided this week.
"I think Daniel has needed someone to blame and I think he has laid that at my feet."
He said that Daniel, like so many others, had "never been the same" since the tragedy.
"No one who ever worked there has been the same. It has been a dreadful experience for anyone that was associated with the mine," he said.
"[Daniel] is very, very angry. He is very, very angry that he dragged another man over 1000m to safety and that no one came in and that no one helped.
"The anger that has developed within him over Pike River Coal is still very raw for him.
"I can only hope that over time, and with counselling and help and stuff like that, that he can put it into perspective to manage it."
The Rockhouse father-son relationship is not the only bond that has been destroyed in the aftermath of the mining catastrophe.
Pike River coal mine blast survivor Daniel Rockhouse hugging family memebers after their briefing with police and company officials in Greymouth. Photo / Mark Mitchell
Given his role at Pike River at the time of the explosion, Rockhouse has been a target of anger from members of some other families who lost men. He has also faced threats of physical violence from members of the West Coast community.
"We have had a few confrontations along the way," he said.
At a time when he was dealing with his family's own very deep grief, his detractors questioned how the tragedy could have occurred if its safety and training manager had been doing his job.
Rockhouse was twice called to give evidence at the Pike River Royal Commission of Inquiry.
During those hearings he outlined how he believed he had been hamstrung by company bosses who were repeatedly accused of putting the drive for an elusive profit over staff safety.
The commission's 404-page report, released two weeks before the second anniversary of the disaster, vindicated Rockhouse; outlining his "heavy workload", stating that his repeated attempts to improve health and safety at Pike River were "largely unsuccessful", partly due to a lack of support from his bosses.
Tellingly, the commission also stressed that management had failed to address his concerns that there was only one means of entry and exit, and a lack of a robust underground refuge chamber in case of an incident deep in the mine. Finally, it ruled that his department had been "marginalised" by mine top-brass.
But being absolved of any blame by the commission was scant consolation for the proud former West Coaster.
"I feel quite naive in the fact that I had two sons down there and neither of them told me anything about what was going down in practice," he said.
"I feel quite professionally disappointed with myself that I allowed people to manipulate and manoeuvre me in such a way that every time I wanted to go underground I had to attend a meeting ... over some nonsense.
"You look back and think, 'F*** what a stupid c*** I have been'."
Neville Rockhouse was sitting on a plane from Auckland bound for Christchurch about 3.30pm on Wednesday, 15 minutes shy of the anniversary of the moment when the first explosion extinguished 29 cherished lives four years ago.
Before boarding, he gave himself a moment of "quiet reflection"; thinking about Ben and what his future could have been. Waiting for him in Christchurch was his wife, Tracy. The pair have been together for about 15 years and wed in July 2012.
As well as Pike River, the couple are facing further adversity as Tracy battles aggressive breast cancer.
They recently returned from three weeks in America; with highlights including watching the All Blacks play the US in Chicago, visiting Las Vegas and taking a helicopter trip into the Grand Canyon.
"It was the first time in four years where we have just had a block of time to enjoy each other," he said.
While in America they received news that the hoped-for body recovery operation had been abandoned. It was an announcement that Rockhouse had long expected.
The couple refused to dwell on the news, vowing that after the rugged path they had travelled down the priority for their own well-being was to spend some special time together.
"We don't know what the future is. We just have to make sure that we try to reduce stress levels, that we have healthy living and enjoy each other's company because we are on the Earth for such a short time," Rockhouse said.
They learned that the hard way following the deaths of Ben and his grandfather within the space of four hours. Rockhouse said the pain of the loss of a child was something that "never goes away".
"And unless you are a parent who has lost a child I guess you won't know what that is like. It just does not go away, it is always there," he said.
"I will carry that sense of grief and sorrow for the rest of my days."
Ben was a young man who "had everything at his feet". The 21-year-old was working at Pike River while he took time out from completing his geology degree at the University of Canterbury.
Ben's memory, and that of his grandfather, live on with Rockhouse, adding he speaks to both during quiet moments every day.
After a gut-wrenching week of reflection and grief for his family, Rockhouse said he would do anything to be able to bring Ben back.
"If I could change places with my son, I would do it in a heartbeat," he said.
"He was so young and [had] so much life in him if I was granted one wish it would be to swap places. I would do that in a heartbeat."
Flames burn from a ventilation shaft above the Pike River mine which has fatally trapped 29 miners. Photo / Supplied
In a poignant message to families of the Pike River 29, prominent QC Nicholas Davidson has written of his admiration for their couragein the past four years.
Davidson has been one of the group's greatest advocates as they sought justice for the loss of their men, as well as their bid for a body recovery operation inside the West Coast mine.
On November 12 - shortly after Solid Energy and the Government announced the mission had been abandoned - Davidson wrote to the families, praising their fighting qualities, dignity and respect in the face of overwhelming odds.
"I just want to say how much I admire your resolve to do what was right for your men, and your families," he wrote.
The families had endured "further and extreme stress" in the months leading up to this month's decision to abandon the body recovery.
Towards the end of that time, he confided "it became apparent there was no real prospect of turning the tide" and getting into the mine.
The fight had continued right up to this month.
"You have fought every inch of the way," he wrote.
In the message, he said that now was "not the time to revisit" the hoped-for recovery mission.
"The fact is the decision has been taken, and quickly those who have been involved are moving off stage, while some have a role in the plans for the future of your men, and you as families."
Those plans include a permanent memorial for the Pike River 29 at the site of the mine in the Paparoa Ranges about 58km from Greymouth.
He stressed he would continue to stand by the Pike River Families group. Davidson concluded his message to the families by vowing he would never forget the suffering of the families, or the oversights and failures that contributed to the mining disaster.
"Your loss is not really measurable by others, nor the conduct which led to it, but you have stood up for your men throughout, and, in the process, have changed the daily lives of all workers in New Zealand, for the better."
He went on to add that the families of the Pike River 29 "need and deserve rest, and I hope some peace".
It's understood a NZDF aircraft and multiple helicopters are involved.