Alleged table hog, deputy editor Mark Story, outstayed his welcome at Smiths cafe in Ahuriri. Photo / Warren Buckland
Mark Story is Hawke’s Bay Today’s deputy editor.
OPINION
At Smiths cafe, $12.50 buys you brioche, a flat white and an hour.
At the end of said time allotment last Wednesday, I was asked to leave the Ahuriri eatery after a staffer cited insignificant spend.
A cold play on a cold day.
The laptop closed and signalled the apparent end of a long relationship with the good-feels premises.
Out in the rain, I was puzzled. I’ve never been accused of under-eating.
Let alone chastised for it.
I’m a “cofficing” enthusiast; someone who for a handful of hours a week enjoys the white noise of a cafe to work remotely. For a long time, Smiths was the proxy office away from office. Great fare, nice staff, comfy squabs.
Now before you lot start, yes, I’m quick to leave when the establishment begins to fill. Fair play. If your lengthy stay threatens to preclude incoming customers, hop on your bike.
The conversation rolled along these lines:
Staffer: “Can I get you any additional food or drinks?”
Me: “No thanks.”
Staffer: “Then I’ll need you to move on. I’m mindful of other paying customers.”
Me: “Um, sure, but that’s a weird vibe. There are tables available.”
Staffer: “You’ve only had a coffee.”
Me: “Don’t forget the brioche.”
There’s risk in this mixed messaging: Go away – come again, haere mai – haere rā. How can a customer be wooed then shooed?
It’s where the welcome mat threatens to present as artifice.
Smiths has recently changed hands. So I emailed – was this a new protocol?
No response.
I called and got hold of a friendly manager who referred me to owner Lisa Caro.
She called promptly.
Pleasantries weren’t exchanged before she unleashed an old chestnut: “Is this newsworthy?”
‘Twas the briefest of chats. But long enough for Caro to confirm she’d now upgraded my punishment to a total ban on entering any of her Hawke’s Bay establishments.
Crikey, hospo’s brutal.
And table turning’s certainly an art.
Hence I bear Smiths and its ownership no ill will at all. I love that place. Should my expulsion ever expire, I’d happily recouple.
But the reality is one of us has seriously misread the room.
While I’ll mull where this banished table-hogging squab squatter can now take coffee, I thought I’d ask a few hospo identities for their steer on the obviously incendiary question, “How long is too long in a cafe?”
“If a table’s free it’s yours. In cafes it adds to the buzz anyway. But if someone walks in, we tell you we need the table, all good.
“We call it hospitality, where we’re servants but not servile, where the customer isn’t always right, but they must be satisfied.”
“If [customers] continue spending over the time then it’s okay, but if it’s just ‘rent a chair’ then it’s not fair as it is diminishing seating for other customers.
“To be honest, at this time of the year when it is quiet, it is better to have people in the space than it being empty.
“One thing that is particularly inconsiderate is people having loud Skype conversations and interrupting others. Who wants to hear someone else bleating on?
“The bottom line is you don’t want to rub customers up the wrong way, but some people have absolutely no idea that they have overstayed their welcome.
“That’s hospo for you!”
“With the rise of remote working it is commonplace to see people opting to work in cafes and other hospitality venues ... common sense and basic etiquette go a long way.
“Most venues will be welcoming of remote workers as their presence can help to attract further customers, especially if in-person meetings are being held throughout the day. But if a venue becomes busy, then it is considerate to make space for new customers.
“Customers should also be mindful of their extended use of resources like internet, electricity, and restrooms. These are costs borne by the business which are sometimes taken for granted.”
* Smiths was approached multiple times for comment on this article, but declined.
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