Monster with energy to burn final word

Opinion

Why do we need so much energy? And once we've ingested it all, what will we do with it?

It being the school holidays and all, the Beloved took the offspring clothes-shopping because the little swine insists on growing. They went to one of those surf-like shops at the mall and purchased the boy offspring a hoodie. The hoodie, naturally, came with a free can of energy drink. I mean, when was the last time you bought apparel without gleaning a free can of energy drink?

There seem to be about a billion varieties of energy drink on the market nowadays. Why do we need so much energy? And once we've ingested it all, what will we do with it? I hope it's something constructive and benefits the planet, rather than it simply meaning we can play our Playstations for an hour longer. (As an aside, I suffer the same degree of confusion over all the devices in our life that are meant to save us time. What are we meant to do with all the time we save? Is there a Time Bank where it all goes so we can cash it in when we're on our death beds, so we can eke out a couple more years?)

The type of energy drink that is, apparently, the drink-du-jour when it comes to purchasing hoodies is something called Monster. It comes in a can that is roughly the size and shape of a howitzer shell - which is apt because, according to the nutritional info on the side of the can, the amount of caffeine Monster contains is the equivalent of exploding said howitzer shell upon your nervous system.

Monster also contains, as all these energy drinks seem to do, something called taurine and something called guarana. Having no idea what either of them is, I turned to that incontrovertible body of knowledge known as the internet to clue me in. And now, thanks to extensive minutes of research, I know that taurine is a major constituent of bile and that guarana, according to the Satere-Maue tribe in Brazil, was gifted to the world by a benevolent God who created the berries by plucking out the eyeballs of a child - thus proving the Satere-Maue have a very different definition for the word "benevolent" than the rest of us.

I also learnt that guarana has twice the caffeine levels of coffee. Some more caffeine with your caffeine, sir?

Also in there is something called Inositol. Inositol, as far as I understand it - which isn't very far - is some kind of vitamin (B8) that is also a sugar but a sugar that doesn't taste sweet, which rather defeats the purpose of sugar, in my book. It may or may not have beneficial effects if you are OCD, agoraphobic, bulimic or have hair that needs strengthening. But only if you drink, like, 300 energy drinks a day or something. It is also, apparently, a cutting agent when drug dealers are diluting cocaine. But as cocaine is not listed as an ingredient of Monster, I'm guessing that's not its purpose here. Oh well, never mind.

So why am I telling you all this? I am telling you this because my family, being the caring sharing individuals they are (and the ones who have an aversion to energy drinks) gave me, someone who never drinks coffee, the caffeine bomb to sample. Thus, in the name of science, I have been drinking the blimmin' thing whilst writing this column. And my findings are as follows:

A 500ml can of Monster is a heck of a lot of sickly sweet drink for one man to drink. I may need to go to the toilet soon.

I seem to be typing faster - although this may have as much to do with the fact I am late delivering my column as the tsunami of caffeine hitting my nervous system.

It seems to be warmer in my office now than it was before I turned the heater on. Whether there is a link here to the energy drink is unclear.

I seem to be having a lot of thoughts at the same time - none of which are of any consequence and many of which have little or no meaning, especially to me. My Beloved assures me this is the norm, rather than any caffeine-induced psychosis. I am unsure whether to believe her or not, as I no longer know who I can trust.

Why is it with cans, and it doesn't matter what it is you're drinking - beer, soft-drink, the devil in liquid form - that when you get to the bottom of the can it is all lukewarm and has the consistency of spit?

It is difficult reaching my keyboard from up here on the ceiling.

I may stick to water from now on. As soon as I've finished playing Playstation for the next few hours.