Money feuds and how to resolve them

Financial advisers have been compared to the modern priesthood in that we are often party to key events in peoples lives: births, deaths, marriages, tragedies and triumphs, any event that potentially impacts on people's wellbeing. Because of the depth of the relationship we have with our clients, people also confide all sorts of things to their financial adviser that could potentially impact on their finances, for example a marriage breaking down.

Along the way, we've discovered money is rarely the issue in relationships, its just the battleground. Usually it's a signal for something else that's going on in the relationship, whether it's an issue of control or a lack of understanding about each others objectives and goals. The issue runs much deeper than money.

Think about when you've argued about money, weren't you really arguing about values and what's important? How you value success? Sometimes the issue is control.

Unfortunately many of us are reluctant to talk about money, and if we are reluctant to talk about money within a relationship, life gets a lot more uncomfortable if the relationship breaks down. With divorce, generally every possible issue relating to the household finances gets an airing.

The hard issues like the financial support of children in blended families; being the sole breadwinner and the monetary worth of a stay-at-home wife; debt racked up by one partner, and the financial impact of that, all see the light of day.

Is it right? Well, it's human. Is it proper? Who cares. The moment you move a dynamic from the relationship arena to the market arena, it gets fully appraised by independent arbiters in a court of law and overnight, personal arrangements get a dollar value.

Most people expect their partners to be completely honest about money. Ninety-six per cent of 1,796 adults aged 25 to 55, who were married, engaged or living together, surveyed by HarrisInteractive, said they believed it was both partners responsibility to be honest about financial issues. Nearly 1 in 4 (24 per cent) believed so strongly in this principle that they said openness about money was more important than being faithful. Still, almost 1 in 3 admitted they had lied to their partner about finances.

If you are in a relationship where money is an issue, it is a matter of being brave enough and honest enough to confront the real issues and generally in our experience, it isn't about money. You know money is an issue when you agree with the majority of these statements:

1. You seem to be worrying about money most of the time.

2. You and your partner argue regularly about money with no resolution.

3. Your partner makes buying decisions that you are not comfortable with, but you just can't talk about it.

4. You feel unhappy about how money is managed in your household, but you just can't change your behaviour.

5. You start having to make sacrifices that you don't want to make, eg, you regularly organise your life from pay day to pay day, you are regularly extending the mortgage or your credit card or other debt continues to climb.

6. One of you is hiding purchases.

7. You lie to your partner about money.

8. Right now if you had to rate the significance of the lie from 1-10, it's over 3 on the Richter scale in terms of the seismic activity it could generate in your relationship. For example, saying you brought something on sale when you didn't is a scale 2 lie. Hiding five-figure credit card debt or secreting away thousands of dollars in an individual savings account climbs to the top of the Richter scale.

9. One of you believes talking about money is the last taboo, and you shouldn't talk about it publicly, but you actually realise that somehow that has extended to finding it difficult to talk about between you at all, let alone negotiating about it.

10. It's been an issue in every relationship you've ever been in.

STOP MONEY BEING A BATTLEGROUND

Share your dreams to find the common ground between you. What do you both want to achieve with your finances? What are the top three goals you have in common? Focus on your big picture objectives and work out a plan to achieve them together. Stop blaming. Instead talk about what you really fear.

If one's a saver and the other a spender:

i) Give each person a set amount they can spend each month without judgement or nagging.

ii) Swap roles - if one person balances the chequebook or pays the bills, let the other do it for a month. Handing over control for a month could help each other gain more insight into the other's point of view.

ii) Set up specific times that you'll talk about money and budgeting so it doesn't come up just as you're getting into bed, when you're driving to get to a destination or over the dinner table. Focus on the progress made, rather than each others shortcomings.

If any of the issues raised between you registered over three on the Richter scale, commit to working through the problem with professional help to: understand your spending habits; define your dreams; agree to a budget; start making progress; and review the progress you've made.