Misconceptions, an online video series about losing a pregnancy. Episode 5: Coping with grief

It happens all the time but we hardly ever talk about it. About one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, leaving many couples struggling with unresolved grief and social isolation. In this 10-part video-based online series, made by Digital Alchemist and funded by NZ On Air, we break down the myths and provide practical help. We hear from well-known NZ personalities - The Hits host and te reo advocate Stacey Morrison, TVNZ presenter and journalist Miriamo Kamo and funeral director Kaiora Tipene from The Casketeers - about their personal experiences and follow the stories of six couples who have been through the trauma of miscarriage.

Going through miscarriage can lead to intense feelings of grief for many people.

"The grief really surprised me, how deep it was," says broadcaster Stacey Morrison.

"It was a different kind of grief I'd never experienced before," agrees bereaved parent Maryam Alavi.

"When I'd see other women with their babies I'd go through different emotions," says Lisa Moa of her miscarriage. "If I got really upset about it I'd just think back to how lucky I am to have one already."

Infertility and pregnancy loss counsellor Megan Downer says that feelings of sadness after miscarriage are normal and understandable. "With any loss we grieve, and there is a range of emotions that go with that grief: passionate sadness, guilt, anger, resentment," she says. "Grief is like a fingerprint - it's very different for everyone."

Downer adds that male partners suffer, too. "I hear often from men that they feel that they have to hold it together for their partners," she says. She encourages men to open up and tell their partners how they feel.

Broadcaster Stacey Morrison was taken back by the depth of her grief after she had a miscarriage. Photo / Digital Alchemist

Ceremony and ritual can help those who are struggling with grief. When Noriko Kodera had her miscarriages, she visited her temple and prayed for her lost babies. "Having this ritual helped me emotionally," Kodera says.

The Japanese Jizo ritual ritual, where small figurines are placed in cemeteries and gardens, is one of few that exists to comfort those who have experienced pregnancy loss. Here in New Zealand, many people plant trees to acknowledge their losses.

Making memories and keepsakes can also help bereaved parents, and there are memory making ideas on the Baby Loss NZ website. "There are lots of different things that can really help the families," says Baby Loss NZ general manager Sarah Numan.

Watch all the episodes at nzherald.co.nz/MisconceptionsNZ - a new episode will be added each day from Monday to Friday, ending on July 3

The Series
Episode One: What is miscarriage?
Episode Two: Types of miscarriage
Episode Three: Causes of miscarriage
Episode Four: Managing miscarriage
Episode Five: Coping with grief
Episode Six: Accessing support
Episode Seven: The silence around the first trimester
Episode Eight: Miscarriage and work
Episode Nine: How to support someone who's going through miscarriage
Episode Ten: Sharing stories of hope

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