Men 'believe' in right to lash out

Men who bash their children and partners are not uncontrollably angry, says one provider of programmes for violent men.

Instead, the violence is intentional and aimed at reinforcing beliefs about male superiority, says Graham Barnes, education coordinator of the Domestic Violence Centre in Auckland.

"What we know is that about 90 per cent of men who attend stopping-violence programmes are not violent to others in public.

"They are violent in private to their partners and children. What this tells you is that men are well able to manage their anger."

Courses are run on this premise and work to change beliefs by exploring with men the effects of their violence on their loved ones.

Mr Barnes says the courses are probably among the most successful in reducing violence and are definitely worthwhile - but he is realistic about their effect overall.

"Programmes in themselves will not change men ... What we need to change are attitudes and beliefs in our community."

There is no way of assessing how successful programmes are, other than interviewing partners - who have often disappeared or will not talk.

It is perhaps telling that the men who come to the courses do not generally want to be there.

Most are ordered to attend by the Family Court and many of those who self-refer do so as a tactic to stop their partners from leaving them, says Mr Barnes.

During 50 hours of group education, facilitated by a man and a woman, themes include the effects of intimidation, emotional abuse, violence on children, threats and coercion.

The groups discuss how to practise sexual respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and look at how to negotiate and practise fairness.

The victims' perspectives are routinely represented and success is defined by women and children being safer, not by how well the men do in class.

But existing belief systems are inherent in society, says Mr Barnes.

"Men believe they are entitled to control others. They believe they are entitled, for example, to shut that kid up. They have grown up with these beliefs.

"They grow up thinking that's okay. They think, 'If I'm a real man then I am the boss.'

"It's not saying that all men use physical violence routinely but it's saying we don't question much our entitlement of telling people what to do. That's so closely connected to society's idea of being a man."

Men who choose not to buy into those beliefs are typically called wimps, weak, new-agey - or gay.

"If you want to put down a man the best way is to attack his masculinity.

"Masculinity, dominance and control are a big package wrapped together."

The programmes offer men the chance to explore the costs and benefits of violence, says Mr Barnes.

"What you lose is control of people, but what you gain is trust and love.

"Many want that but don't realise the very way they behave is destroying their relationship."Catherine Masters

* Contact the Auckland Domestic Violence Centre on 303-3938.

Herald Online feature: violence at home

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