There's so much great entertainment about at the moment. The America's Cup, the Lions tour, The Champions Trophy and of course Shooty Skies and Crossy Roads on you phone. So much, it's easy to forget about the best time ever. Monopoly. Christ it's a good game. Obviously this isn't breaking news. It's been around since 1903.
My kids have been trying to get me to play it for a couple of years now. But I've been turning them down. In this futuristic world of ours board games can look boring from that outside. But last week my 7-year-old cornered me with a completely set up board and 2kg of cheerios. Since then we've been playing nightly, our iPads lying unused and our console controllers unmissed under the couch. Park Lane, Mayfair, Oxford, Regent and Bond rule our lives now. Nothing makes you feel more like a great parent than sitting around a table playing games with your loved ones. There is no doubt. Monopoly has been a huge learning experience for me and my boys.
This is what I know.
1. You have been playing monopoly wrong.
2. Never ever allow your kids to win.
3. The London board wees all over novelty impersonations. (Even the original US version).
Like many people I stopped playing monopoly because it takes too long. To fix that you must do away with your family quirks and read the rulebook.
If a player lands on a property and can't or doesn't want to buy it the bank must automatically run an auction. The other players can bid on property. Things get bought quicker so you can move on to the ruthless houses and hotels part of the game sooner.
The Free Parking rule is a sham. Monopoly is about creaming everyone for their cash and property as quickly as possible. "Free Parking" is just free parking. Nothing happens when you land there. Allowing a losing player to take all the Community Chest and Chance fines keeps them alive when they deserve to die. Same with the $400 for landing on Go. That is not a rule. You get $200 and that's it. Monopoly is a finely balanced game, these extra sources of income just blow it out.
A key reason Mums and Dads can't be bothered playing board games with their kids is the lack of competition. Keep yourself and them happy by playing the game hard. Be mean. Don't give any quarter to your 7-year-old. The other day I did a great deal. I bought Park Lane off my son for half its face value. He needed cash after landing on a two-house Coventry Street. I already had Mayfair and within a few rounds I had a hotel on both exclusive dark blue properties. To my delight, the same son soon landed on his old Lane. The $2000 rent bankrupted him. I took all his money and his entire portfolio. Most importantly he learned a lesson. Don't do crappy short-sighted deals with your Dad.
My friend Boris has a five year old son who challenged him to an arm wrestle this week. Boris said "nah i'll waste you". His kid said "go on Dad if you beat me you can have all my pokemon cards". A lesser Dad would have let his child win. Not Boris. He smashed his son 5-0 in 15 seconds. Took the cards for himself. After the tears had cleared a lesson had been learnt. A man must know his limitations or was it "don't bite off more than you can chew" or possibly "weigh up your chances before putting the things you value on the line". The actual lesson learned isn't important just that one was learned. As Boris said "my boy will be bigger than me one day, I have to beat him at stuff now while I can".
Monopoly is a game of deals and decisions but mainly luck. The chances of being humiliated by your child are high. So be a great kiwi parent, play fast and stick to the official rules. Don't let you loved ones get away with anything. Keep them in jail for the full term, police their house buying and dice-rolling order and give them no quarter when the rent is due. You owe this much to them and to yourself too.
For Catamarans and Lions are great but Monopoly is forever.
