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Whatever the current controversy count, isn't Christmas a time to celebrate what we have in common? Family get-togethers should be about strengthening bonds, not punishing relatives for holding their demographically assigned political views. It's not a debate club.
"We suffer more often in imagination than in reality" - Seneca.
A lot of my friends are getting nice and angry in advance of their family Christmas. One is dreading the big day because his sister-in-law is "a militant anti-vaxxer", another has a cousin who is a "preachy, judgmental, vegan leftie", another is concerned his Mum, Dad, brother and aunt "want to marry Christopher Luxon".
They are coming in hot, but why?
Maybe it's our massive brains. We have a prefrontal cortex that simulates upcoming dangers. This helps us prepare for the future. Imagining the worst is handy when you're walking into a valley infested with lions.
It can cause problems in low-risk scenarios like going to lunch with your extended family. Our brains prepare for dinner by picturing potential conflicts. Unfortunately, these simulations pack a similar emotional punch to an actual argument. As a result, we get worked up from fighting before anything has actually happened. Irish psychologist Dr Elaine Ryan tells a joke to patients to demonstrate the phenomenon.
A man driving in the country blows a tyre. He checks the boot, and there's no jack. He spots a farmhouse and trudges through the field, kicking himself mentally for not packing tyre-changing equipment. He imagines the farmer judging him for his mistake. He pictures the farmer slamming the door in his face. He gets angrier and angrier thinking about how the farmer will make fun of him for being a city slicker without a tyre jack. He finally gets to the farmer's door, pounds on it in a fury, and when the farmer opens up the man screams, "Just keep your bloody jack!" and stomps back to his car.
When you arrive at Christmas it feels like your brother-in-law has been riding your wick for months.
In reality, you haven't seen him. You have been imagining the worst version of the man. So the first time he pipes up you've already had enough. There's a good chance you've been giving him crap in his imagination too. Then grandma comments on the nice weather and it's all on for young and old. Some yell, some go silent, everyone has a bad time.
It doesn't have to be this way. There is a simple solution.
If you catch your mind imagining arguments before they happen, smile and focus on the present. If your mind is repeating something annoying someone said - smile and focus on the here and now. Then, when you see your family, you won't be at a breaking point from their BS.
"I'm at that stage in my life where I keep myself out of arguments. Even if you tell me 1 + 1 = 5, I'll say you're absolutely correct, enjoy." - Keanu Reeves
Full disclosure: I ruined our family Christmas last year. I tried to change minds when I should have been handing out presents. This year to save me from tears, I'm setting myself some rules.
I'm not going to debate issues, push people's buttons or allow myself to be offended. I'll focus on what we have in common not that which divides us.
I will remember the words of Epictetus: "Anyone capable of angering you becomes your master."
I will stay out of harm's way by spending a lot of the day playing quality backyard cricket with the kids. I will eat seconds and thirds. I'll limit my intake to 6 Hazy IPAs and any bubbles I get offered.
This year, use your prefrontal cortex wisely and increase your chances of having a Merry Christmas.
Bless, bless, bless.
