Mark Sainsbury: Let's leave the election up to Tom

Cartoonist Tom Scott. Photo / New Zealand Police

Given all the moaning and wailing about this election and lack of policy and dirty tricks and bias and influence, I've had a brainwave!

My dear old friend Tom Scott, cartoonist, writer and a man who's covered more elections than most, has effectively missed the last two weeks of the campaign. It's not through lack of interest or frustration with the body politic. It's quite simple: Tom's had the plumber in.

Well, technically they call them cardio-thoracic surgeons but it's all about getting things working in the heart department. The good news is Tom's on the mend.

The great news is, given that the events of the past two weeks seem to have had no impact on the voters' choices, we can abandon the election and just get Tom to call it.

After two weeks of what's been called the dirtiest, most despicable campaign ever, the net result according to the polls is zip. It's like the past fortnight never happened.

Sure there's been a sacked Justice Minister, an expose on dirty tricks, a Labour leader seemingly unable to grasp his own policy, an on-again, off-again, on-again promise of tax cuts from the Nats, and an Act leader who believes jobs at McDonald's might be okay for "some" people but certainly not any of his kids.

This is how we elect our "House of Representatives" - although perish the thought that any of them might be representative of us.

In the meantime, the mercurial Winston and the mysterious Colin are on standby to scoop up the disaffected. I say mysterious because we don't know a lot about him. He's certainly not of the "parade mum and the kids around" school of politics. And in this election, being unknown could be a major advantage.

So as we wait for the Kim Dotcom bombshell promised for Monday, I sense many are bracing for disappointment. Irrespective of party loyalty we all love a good bombshell.

But given Nicky Hager's book is now almost impossible to find (bookstores terrified that if they order more they might be stuck with them after election night), what will it take to shake things up?

Could Nicky's book have been like a vaccine? We are now immune to scandal. So if Dotcom's revelation doesn't match the hype, what then?

So back to my simple, reliable, yet amazingly cost-effective alternative. We all stay home on September 20 and leave it to Tom. Only one problem. One of the politicians on the stump was kind or cunning enough to text Tom good wishes. "I hope your recovery is going well," wrote John Key. "At least I won't have to worry about a heart op. According to the Hager book, I don't have one."