One guy said he used to get bashed as a child, and it didn’t do him any harm. But he’s saying this as he sits in prison. Photo / Getty Images
One guy said he used to get bashed as a child, and it didn’t do him any harm. But he’s saying this as he sits in prison. Photo / Getty Images
Opinion by Lynne Fairs
OPINION
It was like a lightbulb going on.
One of the dads on the parenting course in prison couldn’t believe the difference it made. He spoke about having a visit from his family the previous weekend and was surprised to find the conversations he had with his children were interestingand positive.
This man now thinks all men in prison should go through a parenting course.
Presbyterian Support Northern, a 135-year-old social services provider that runs Family Works, has just completed delivering four parenting courses aimed at helping men in the justice system.
Often, the people we’re seeing have not had great parenting themselves. They don’t know how to do it.
One guy said he used to get bashed as a child, and it didn’t do him any harm. But he’s saying this as he sits in prison.
When we talk about their upbringing, they talk about getting hurt, and how they felt at home. Critically, all the guys who take the course talk about how they don’t want their kids to end up in prison like them.
Parenting doesn’t have to be perfect but there are simple tools to make it better.
We teach these men techniques, such as how to play with their children. For example, we play snakes and ladders. It’s a board game of chance and luck. You don’t have to be skillful to win, and families of mixed abilities and ages can play together. It’s a way for dads to get to know their children and learn about their personalities.
One father told me he had asked his partner to visit the $3 shop to buy a snakes and ladders game for him to play with his family when he gets out of prison.
The ups and downs of fortunes as explained by the board game Snakes & Ladders.
Another exercise involves working as a group to make a card for every father’s child. Some of them have never done this before and they love it. It doesn’t matter if they can’t write perfectly - it’s from mum or dad.
In these courses, they are learning about the importance of communication, how to talk to children, and how that lays the foundation for trust.
When dads and kids are together, children need to trust they won’t be judged harshly if they make a mistake. We talk about how mistakes are good and part of learning. Parenting is not about discipline or punishment or fighting.
I believe you should never argue with a teenager because, if you do, it means someone will win and someone will lose. What you’re looking for is a change in behaviour and coming up with a solution.
There are ways to get around fighting, such as cooling-down time. It’s not only for the child, it’s also for the parent.
We also talk about love languages. If you don’t understand your partner or child’s love language, you’re going to miss important information.
I remember going to visit a mum who had just given birth. I could hear the baby’s father banging away on the roof making lots of noise, and I could see she wasn’t happy. She thought he didn’t care because he was outside, leaving her alone inside. But that was his love language: acts of service.
I can’t agree more with the dad who wrote that all men in the justice system should have the chance to do a parenting course.
Working in child protection for nearly three decades, I’m a problem solver. All the statistics and my experience show family violence is a big issue.
Lynne Fairs.
Social workers often talk about plans of safety to protect mothers and children. Fathers, however, seem to be forgotten about or a tag-on, always perceived as the perpetrator.
As a key to good relationships, we need to talk more to men about families. Most women want their partners in the child’s life. Most kids want their dad in their lives.
Helping this group understand the value of parenting, and how that can support their children, is so important. These men are going to parent the next generation.
Childhood is such a small amount of time compared to the rest of life. It can often finish at 14.
That’s a pretty small window for children to be set on the path that will help them make good choices.
Every time we run a course, we can see one or two dads in each group for whom the lightbulb flickers on, and we can be confident we’ve made a real difference to that family.
Lynne Fairs has worked in child protection for 26 years. She leads parenting services for Presbyterian Support Northern in the Waikato region and is a senior adviser at a national level.
