If he was prepared to listen to my sad rant he would hear how, for me, Christmas now has a bite that festers long after the tree is packed away and the lights and tinsel are stuffed into boxes.
To begin with, no one leaves me an orange anymore.
I don't have a stocking and I worry about how Christmas impacts on the lives of people and animals.
I now know that along with presents Christmas is also a time of family dramas, rampant consumerism, loneliness and ham - not necessarily in that order.
I don't know which of those bothers me more.
But let's begin with dramas. The combination of alcohol and sugary food, stress and pressure, excitement and noise can bring any underlying family issues to a rather ugly head. Many a time I have wanted to duck for cover in the middle of a Christmas Day.
A recent article in the Herald, stated: "New Zealand has the worst rate of family and intimate-partner violence in the developed world and over the Christmas and New Year period the number of incidents spikes dramatically."
I think that is sad. It makes me want to hug the mythical Grinch and plan to sabotage Christmas with him.
I know this is not a great idea really. I could get arrested for climbing down people's chimneys to steal their trees.
But if it prevents just one incident of domestic violence I will consider it worthy of at least considering. Keep Women's Refuge crisis line number nearby over this period: 0800 733 843.
Then there's the rampant consumerism when many families in New Zealand are struggling to make ends meet week by week.
Media bombard us with pictures of happy children unwrapping mountains of presents. Apparently, taking a pilgrimage to shopping malls and laying your Visa at the altar is an act of proper dedication to Christmas.
If you are going to shop until you drop (and you may well see me there) at least spare a thought for the child labour that went into that box of chocolates.
Try to buy ethically with fair trade and products that do not test on animals or include animal skins, secretions or flesh. The app below can help make ethical choices.
Minimise your consumption, for every product has a price for the environment, people and animals.
Which brings me to loneliness and ham.
Many people are lonely at Christmas. Be kind, invite them to your festivities and you may well have a much richer and fulfilled Christmas than you planned. And if you need someone to talk to, ring Lifeline on 0800 543 354.
And ham. Not to put too fine a point on it, ham hurts pigs. Badly. Pigs cannot pick up a phone and call for help so leave ham off the table.
I wish you all a very merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart of hearts.
And if you find me stuck in your chimney after eating too much vegan Angel cheese the night before, please do me a favour and pull me out. I am probably just feeling a bit lonely and needing some company.
• Lynley Tulloch is a writer on animal welfare. The shopping app referred to is http://safe.org.nz/safeshopper-cruelty-free-nz
